and people wonder why I drink.

 

The Sun came up over the mountain and broke through the kitchen window.  It was loud and scattered broken glass everywhere.

Sometimes it is the problems with the English language that give me inspiration.

 

She changed her name to, Watched Pot, to get rid of her boils.

 

Larry drove an old Chevrolet, while his friend Chuck drove a hard bargain.

 

Last year I dropped 100 pounds.  It almost hit my foot.

 

Mary put her dress shop on the outskirts of town.

 

You don’t need a leash to run the bases, but you need three people to take a walk to load them.  Although it’s nothing like a loaded gun but the inning could still be shot.

 

Bob needed a job so he hit the bricks.

Tim had a test coming up so he hit the books.

Ellen got fired, her boss told her to hit the road.

They knew that song would be a hit.

He needed a hit if they were going to win the game.

 Uncle.

and when did the word, uncle

become synonyms with

I give up?

Ever Since

 

 

The second hand is missing.

There is still time,

but without a second hand.

Road trips are quiet,

the scenery looks the same

but there is a loneliness between

the trees and a sadness flowing

along the river.

The world is somehow off kilter but

just inside of me.  It's my particular perception

that is askew.

It isn't something that is fixable.

There is simply additional space between the minutes since you're gone.

Call in SWAT

 

How is it, with so much going on in the world, a tiny mosquito bite can capture and keep my attention?   Everything must come to a halt while I stop to scratch.  It really is quite annoying.

Here’s what I propose: Everyone in every country, in every city, village and town, stop what they’re doing and kill all the mosquitos around them.  Let’s end this thing once and for all.  The press can help.  Newspapers, like the New York Times, The Post, even the small-town papers… if they can be rolled up, then they can smack.

You there, the one reading this blog.  Join in, help us wipe out mosquitoes in our lifetime.  It’s a worthy cause.  They add nothing to the food-chain, they don’t make good pets, and they practically disappear when cooked in butter.

If we all work together, we can do it.

 

It was all we had to go on

 

We lifted the prints from the child's car seat.

We knew for sure from the mother's prints

that she was the one known as, The Pincher.

Her M.O. was to always use the right index finger

 and right thumb.

The vehicle was a 1942 Hudson.  Drab Green.

The baby was not in the vehicle and 

presumed to be somewhere on foot.

Somewhere in the Kansas Panhandle

 Witness Protection  Graduating Class

June 2020

It Happens

 

If I spend all my time picking out only the blue M&M’s I could possibly miss something important along the way.  A friend of mine once ate a yellow M&M and shortly afterwards won $5.00 in the State Lotto.  I heard of some lady in Boise who actually had an allergic reaction to a brown one.  She collapsed on the floor, was turning all sorts of colors and when the paramedics arrived, they tracked dirt all over the lady’s carpet.  It was quite a mess to clean up.

Once, while trying to think of something to write about, this guy glanced over at the jar of M&Ms on his desk.  He got to thinking about all the possibilities, all of the stories that might come out of that jar.  But then came to his senses and stopped writing.

 

Last Responder

 

I don’t really care to be the first on the scene.  It’s usually loud, very chaotic with everyone’s opinion being shouted over the noise.  People in a panic are normally not at their best.  Most are usually acting before thinking.

I much prefer to casually come upon the sight, camera ready, searching for the perfect shot for my blog, not really in the way of anyone, just me – walking, looking around.

I fully understand I’ll never be the hero, or even very popular, but it’s the best place and time for someone like me.  I am the stranger in the back of someone else’s photograph, just enough out of focus that you can’t really tell its me.

It isn’t that I don’t do my part.  I have volunteered for many things that others have shied away from.  In fact, I was the only one, during the World Bow & Arrow competition, to protect the target when it started raining.

That's me on the right.

 

Scruffy

 Someone's cooking breakfast this morning, I can smell it.

I know you probably can't see me in this shot.  I think I just stepped out of the way before the camera snapped.

I'm the one stray dog you usually see trotting down the street.

Smells like sausage.  I love sausage scraps. 

On-Time Departure

You've got your passport.

You have your ticket & boarding pass.

Your luggage is packed & weighed.

The house is closed up & secure.

Your Taxi to the airport was on time.

You cleared TSA with no problem.

Your cell phone is charged.

You got the seat you wanted.

Now, if the pilot could only remember where he put the keys to the plane...

 

The Lady, the Moat and the Ham Sandwich

 

There is a small, dorm-size fridge in my garage.  It is there just for cans of beer.  The problem is, it gets too cold.  The beer freezes.  I can never tell which way to turn the dial.  Zero to 10.  Is ten warmer or colder.  Nothing seemed to change when I change the numbers.  Therefore, I have added a canary to the mine.   I put a plastic bottle of water in with the cans of beer.  If I see the water is still water and not ice, then I know the beer is not frozen and it won't foam up and spillover when I open it.

On a completely unrelated topic,  I discovered this book at the library.  The cool thing about this book is that each page is only printed on one side.  I've never seen that before.  I immediately went out on Amazon and bought 23 copies. 

        Here's the thing, on each blank page I write my own story.  Long story or short, doesn't matter, I've got plenty of room.  Anybody seeing multiple copies of the same book in my bookcase always says the same thing.  "You must really like that story."   Then they ask me about the story itself, The Lady, the Moat and the Ham Sandwich.  I have to be honest; I've never read it, but if you turn the book upside-down and read it from back to front, you'll get to read my stories. 

A Rookie Mistake

 

I can’t tell you how long, how many times I have casually looked out to the back yard just to see if there is anything worth photographing.  Which is why, when I finally did see something out there, I got too excited.  I ran into the other room and got my camera.  I tried to be both fast and quiet.  I wasn’t sure how much, whatever it was, could hear me.  I hurried up to the sliding glass door, and as gently as I could, clicked the latch and slowly slid the door open.

I was in luck, it was still there.  Ever so slowly I raised my camera and began clicking.  People would have to believe me now.  I’d have photographic proof.  It must have either saw me or heard the clicking, because it suddenly turned and went down to water level and disappeared.  It didn’t matter now.  I got it on film.

As I tell you about this adventure of mine, I must admit I’ve already seen the shots, and the moment I saw them I knew.  I had myself a wonderful collection of pictures of the inside of my lens cap.  Why I'm admitting this, I'm not sure.  Maybe if I embarrass myself enough I'll learn. 

 

Just so you'll know

 

    Should I ever find myself in a position where some authority figure is asking what I'd like for my last meal...

    The answer is, Tater Tots and Cherry Coke.  Just a little salt for the tots, and a straw for the Coke.  

    That's it.

 

Yes, it's just that quick.

 

    As it turns out, the great disturbance in the force was actually a slight shift in time.  Suddenly I am the old man sitting on the bench at the mall.  Shoppers are walking past.  Either they don’t see me or pretend not to.  Perhaps, afraid I might engage them in conversation, ultimately asking them for something.

    Most, if not all, are looking at their cell phones.  How sad they can’t see the passing of time right before them.  They are young, they feel good and have plans for the future.

    “Hello, I am the future.  My right hand has grown a cane, my face has sprouted glasses.  I hurt everywhere, and oh – by the way…  you never see the disturbance coming.  It’s like suddenly you’re sitting here remembering this was once woods and not a mall at all."

    Okay, now I see it.  Now I see why they don't stop to talk.  I'm just another old guy, remembering how it used to be.  Yikes!  I wouldn't have stopped to talk to me either. 

 

 

Look it up - if you don't believe me

 

Once upon a late September

a day like this, as I remember –

A fog rolled in, then up on shore

it knocked down trees –

and knocked on doors,

It fogged the town, from here to there

we couldn’t drive, not anywhere,

So thick it lay, there was no doubt –

no smoke from chimneys, could get out

People choked, coughed and sputtered

no calls for help were ever uttered,

Birds would walk instead of fly

even seagulls didn’t try –

Everything’s been written down

this foggy day in London town.

 

Carved in Stone

 

Pages blank

thoughts not written

Not inspired

not been bitten

Maybe later

brain will clear

Until that time

I’ll have a beer.

No one’s said

poems are great

Won’t be famous

till I’m late –

Then you’ll read

my epitaph

Should have got

my autograph.

 

                          Thanksbeer

 

 

Ocean View

 

Lettuce Pray

 

In shape of bars

such is soap

Minty fresh

that is Scope

Toenails clipped

that is neat

Into socks

goes clean feet

Off to church

say your prayers

Get the giggles

people stare

Ahhh Men.

 

The Last Straw

 

So what's wrong with this one?

"There's no umbrella."

There is also no Sun.

"There aren't any cushions on the chairs."

We're not buying them.  We're just eating.

"Shouldn't that rack have something on it?  Maybe they are closing or something."

Maybe there was bread on the rack and someone bought it.

"This is obviously a table for three.  There's only two of us."

I thought you said you were hungry?

"Shouldn't that pepper be darker?  Why is it so white, like the salt?"

Wanda, there isn't anyone else, but I'm leaving you.

"John?  What's wrong?"

Bye Wanda.  Take care.

From the Backseat

 

People who never use the product should never be the ones designing it, just as the people in the backseat shouldn’t be the ones driving.

I try to keep a pen and notebook in my pocket for when I get an idea.  I can quickly jot it down and later write something for this blog.

There is a small container suspended under my kitchen counter.  It is right next to the sink. It holds liquid dish soap.  It is dark beneath the countertop and the small hole, where we pour the liquid soap in is impossible to see into.  Consequently, filling the container is 100% guess work.  You only know it is full when it overflows.  Now there is a mess to clean up.

Whoever designed this system should have stayed in the backseat.  It would be like giving someone like me a mixing bowl and a carton of fresh metaphors.  You just know I’m going to push puree.

It's what happens when I think inside the box.

 

Some years ago, I bought a pair of shoes that, at the time, I thought were a bit too expensive but bought them anyway.  Today, some years later, the shoes are long gone but the shoebox still remains.

 

Once in a while, usually when the weather prevents any outside activities, I enjoy a little bourbon, sit by the fireplace and go through the old photographs in that box.  Some are in color, though most are black & white.  Each, in its own way, carries fun memories.  They are old friends, still bringing smiles.  It's also a good check for me.  So far, I still recall everyone's name.

 

I wonder if I am in someone else's shoe box.  If I am, I hope I'm in color and smiling, not looking goofy like I usually do, or with a bad haircut.  That happened way too often.  I guess we only notice those type of things in ourselves.  I see them in my pictures but never in any of my friends.  Maybe that’s just how we are.  I’m not sure.  Self-conscious, or simply nit-picky, not sure which.  But others are always just as I remember them.

 

The folks making new shoes put various chemicals and protectants on the leather.  Those fumes permeate the interior of the shoebox.  I’m guessing it is those fumes keeping my friends looking good as new.  I can’t really prove that, but look at these people…  They look as good as when the picture was taken.

 

Making Dust

 

It was just a country gravel road, full of ruts and potholes and plenty of dust if you drove too fast.  There was thick brush, and buggy woods along each side.  Once in a while, there would be what looked like a seldom used driveway heading off into the shadows.  I often wondered who lives back in there, with the mosquitoes and bears.

I tried to imagine what kind of person would live where there are no streetlights or neighbors.  Not even sure about electricity or running water.  How far must they drive just to go shopping?  I can’t imagine they have a computer and order stuff on-line.  This does not seem like an Amazon route. 

How brave would I have to be to turn down one of these mysterious driveways and go knock on a door?  “Hi, I just wanted to see your place, with its tiny kitchen, hand crank can opener and burnt pans.  By the way, what’s that smell?  If that is a closet door, then what is scratching on it from inside?"

 No, I don’t think I’ll drive down that driveway to see what’s down there.  In fact, now I’m just hoping my car doesn’t break down out here.  Maybe I’ll just drive a little faster.

One very tall ladder.

 

It isn't really the moon.

It is the first of many Christmas lights.

Shirt & Shoes Required

 Right on the other side of this door is the entire galaxy, all of Mankind, his inventions, his cities and farm animals.   It is mostly strangers out there.  Some good, a few - not so much.  There are countries bombing each other out there and movie theatres with over-priced popcorn.

There are wonderful mountains, amazing rivers and a mix of air, some breathable - some not so much.

All aspects of life and death take place just on the other side.

I'm really surprised it is so quiet in here. 

 

Floater

 

You can catch it with a hook

you can fry it up with butter

or mount it on your wall.

Maybe have it in an aquarium 

and feed it.

I kind of like it this way.  It is like
I'm right here in the aquarium with it,

but I don't have to feed it, or clean

the tank, and I'm the only one

who can go belly up.

It could also be affected by laundry day

 

        Some of you may be familiar with the saying, you can’t step into the same river twice.   That does not apply to this blog.  For those of you who have ventured into the very back pages, you have most likely noticed that some topics have been repeated.   But here’s the thing, I am, at different times, a different person.  So, although the river may appear to be the same, the foot that I plunge into it may now be wearing a different sock, or no sock at all.

        For example, at some point in time I could appreciate a picture for one reason, while sometime later, I may see it in an all together different light. Consequently, it is possible I may use the same picture for two or more different topics, depending on lighting, composition, wool or argyle.  It's really hard to predict. 

 

 

Suspenseful

 

It is a different story, but with no character development, very little dialog and absolutely no punctuation.

I like it.

I thought there would be more to it

 

It turned out that the secret code word is façade.

When each letter of the word is aligned precisely,

it activates a mechanical voice that identifies the

location of the key. 

The key is required to open the locked cabinet which

holds the secret book.  Once the book is opened, a tune

begins playing.  It is a familiar melody, that once

remembered, leads to the correct page number.

If you make it that far, you’ll notice your code word.

 

None of it, as it turned out, was real.

 

The Swap Meet

 

Upon rows and rows of tables were all the things that people no longer had a use for, while other people walked by, looking to see if there were any items they could use.  If there were, they would haggle over a price and either buy the item or just walk away.

On one such table sat a wooden box.  It was a nice-looking box, with a lid and a lock securing it closed.  Sitting next to the box was a sign that read, Ideas, $5.00, $10.00 and $25.00.  Pay first.

Only every now and then did anyone inquire about the box.  Most people questioned why should someone pay in advance for an idea that may or may not be good?  Eventually, however, a good-sized crowd had gathered at that table, with everyone talking about the odd box of ideas.

Finally, one lady dug a five-dollar bill from her purse and handed it to the man behind the table.  He unlocked the box and pulled out an envelope.  On the envelope was printed $5.00.  He handed it to the lady and took her money.  Now the entire crowd wanted to see what was in the envelope, but the lady shrewdly concealed its contents as she peeked into the envelope.  She smiled and slipped it into her purse.

        One lady followed her as she walked away from the group of people.  “Excuse me, but I must know.  Please tell me what the idea was in your envelope.”

The lady only smiled and kept walking, but her curious new friend didn’t give up.  “Please, I must know.”

Finally, the lady dug the envelope out of her purse and said, “Give me $6.00 and you can have it.”

The curious lady quickly dug six-bucks from her coat pocket and handed it over in exchange for the idea.

Quickly, the curious lady looked inside and read the words, Sell it for more.

 

 

 

Allergies

The sneeze at the art gallery echoed through the halls. 

 

It scattered germs across the room - to paintings hung on walls.

 

  The vibration set off all alarms - sending guards into a snit. 

 

Some woke up and ran through doors - others wouldn't fit. 

 

The sneezer said, "Excuse me." but no one was around. 

 

The gallery with all its germs - was suddenly locked downed.

 

It was dark inside the gallery - as quiet as could be. 

 

The sneezer sat upon a bench… “Was this because of me?”

 

How was she to ever know, that in that very room…

 

The Monet right in front of her, was suddenly in bloom.

 

Gesundheit

  

I think I have figured it out

 

I sat out in the driveway.  It was summer and so I had a cold glass of iced tea.  Various neighbors walked past walking their dogs.  Some would wave and some did not.  Here’s the thing…  If I were on a passing boat, everyone standing on the shore would wave.  Why is that?  What is it about the situation that generates 100% participation?  Really, I am curious.  The people walking past me are neighbors.  They know where I live, we have things in common, and yet, because I am not on a passing boat, they ignore me.

What does that say about us humans?  I think it is the power of suggestion.  Because the people along the shore can see the ocean making waves, they too feel compelled to do the same.  I think that’s it.

 

 

Before we knew it

 

As the morning sun broke through the window, she let out an awful scream.  Suddenly she could see dust every place the sun hit.  Why is it, she wondered, the sun carries dust?  Truly a mystery.  Is the sun magnetic? Do dust particles only travel along sun rays?  Such was life, before we knew it.

Fish are propelled by wiggling their fins, so why isn’t the sky full of fish?   Surely, they can wiggle their fins in the air.  There should be fish everywhere we look, big ones, minnows, Carp.  Isn’t that how fly-fishing got started?  Such was life, before we knew it.

If you draw a tree, it looks the same on the top as it does on the bottom.  On top, we call them branches, while on the bottom we say they are roots.  If leaves sprouted from the roots, they be identical.  It wouldn’t matter in which direction you planted them.  I guess it could be that all the fruit we see under a tree didn’t fall from the branches but grew up from the roots.  I mean, I’ve heard of road apples.   Such was life, before we knew it.

Nighty-night

Surprise – Surprise

You’re scared no doubt,

how on earth
did I get out?

It’s simple really

what I did –

I figured out

your twisty lid.

But where I went

you’ll scratch

Your head –

on the ceiling?

beneath the bed?

I guess you thought

It’s only Man

who plots revenge

as best he can,

Surprise – Surprise

Somewhere I creep

and now I know

just when you sleep.