I can fix that.

The Capistrano Diet Book

- Or -

It’s the Swallows that get you.

Written by: Zobostic Corwin

       Somewhere out there, there is a cookie with your name on it.  Today there is a movement to slim down Americans.  Statistics indicate that obesity has taken the lead in this country as the number one cause of being overweight.   I may have worded that incorrectly, but you get my drift.

          Human nature, and our general propensity to eat things that taste good, has led us down this path.  From an early age we are given positive reinforcement, treats if you will, as a reward for engaging in a behavior that apparently pleases some second party.  Now that second party is sitting back and calling us chunky.  How rude is that?

          The Capistrano Diet Book has been designed with you in mind.  Not the YOU that you project to others, but the real you, the deep down, warts and all you.  This is not a program designed to sell you diet products, nor is it a club to join.  This is simply a book.  I thought I was specific about that in the title.  Try and pay attention, things will move along much faster.

          I also need to mention that when you finish reading this book you will not be slim.  As you appear today, so shall you be tomorrow.  However, if you read my entire series of books, without snacking, and avoiding fat, sugar, carbs, and get plenty of exercise as you read, then by the time you’ve completed my very last book, I think you will be very pleased.   Note:  As of today there is no projection as to the number of books to be in this series, nor has a completion date been anticipated.  Additionally, nothing in this book has anything to do with the actual town of San Juan Capistrano; it’s history, citizens or their collective weight.

         

Page 2

          I’m proud of you.  You have come a long way since beginning that first page.  This tells me that you are serious, if not about losing weight, then at least about seeing what it is I say next.  If you’ll think back to that first page, you’ll remember that I mentioned a cookie being out there somewhere with your name on it.  I should confess at this point that I was speculating.  Think about it.  How could I possibly know what your name is?  Since the onset of this relationship I’ve been doing all the talking.  You haven’t said boo.  But that’s OK, because we don’t cover Halloween until the third book.

          We have various facets of the weight loss movement taking place simultaneously. We have the research people delving into the specifics of chemical, biological, and physiological changes that take place as our systems process certain foods, food additives, and organically grown products.  We also have the advertisers pushing the high-profit, UN-healthy snack foods at us.  These two segments do not even address the medical community’s emphasis on health.  But on a positive note, the medical community appears, for the most part, to be in agreement that good health is the desirable goal.   Options to optimum health conditions will be discussed in books to follow, as will discussions of those doctors who, for reasons of financial gain, tend to suggest alternate avenues for weight control.  You will know them by the cars they drive.

          Cutting to the chase, there is only one obstacle between you and your weight goal.  Once you accept this as fact, you can start on your journey to a slimmer, trimmer you.  Of course I’m talking about your brain.  Yep, your control center is that part of you that rationalizes your intake.  How often have you said this?  “Oh, well if YOU made them, I guess I should try one.”  Or  “This one piece of cake won’t hurt me, I’ll exercise twice tomorrow.”

          That is the weak, destructive side of your brain.  The real battle is to attack your thought process.  Trust me, once we accomplish this, everything else will follow.  If you can learn to control your thoughts, you’ll find less and less contraband going into your shopping cart.  After a short time, all of this will become as natural as breathing.   You will be eating healthy and exercising more and buying this book for your friends.

Page 3

          So now you’re asking just how are you going to change or keep these thoughts in check.  Let me ask you a question first.  When you read that last section that suggested this was a simple process of thought control, how many of you quickly argued with me, or made some snide comment?  Come-on, show of hands…

          I thought so.  Your brain has already gotten wind of this attempt to overthrow it, and it is now on alert.  This is going to be tougher than I thought.  Here, try this; keep reading, but turn off the internal sound.  Really, finish this book without reading it to yourself.  We’re going to have to sneak up on your brain when it least expects it.  I would guess about 15 pounds from now you will be able to go back to reading your normal way, but for now shut down that internal voice.

          Ok, good.  Your brain seems to be clueless.  Now that there’s just the two of us, lets begin to clear the path that you will soon be walking down.  It’s good to think of it as a path, that way all of the obstacles that your brain will be throwing in front of you can be viewed as weeds growing in the path.  We’ll be pulling those weeds as we go, keeping it clear and stumble free.  It is easy to spot a weed from, say… a cauliflower.  The cauliflower is a large, healthy looking plant that will give you nourishment.  Weeds are small, dark, evil things, like brownies, cookies and candy.  Yes, believe it or not, candy is a very prevalent weed.  It seems to sprout up between the cracks in the walk, and it slithers up the sides of counters and spreads rapidly.  Before you know it, it is in lunchrooms, offices, in your home, and it even works it’s way into your car.

          Before you know it, you’ll be an expert at spotting weeds and pulling them out at the roots.  Not long after that, you’ll notice that the path you are on hasn’t a single weed anywhere.  The control you will have gained over your brain will keep you on a clear path to health and fitness.  Ok, too rosy?  Remember, I did warn you that it is the swallows that will get you.  If there is a good and bad to everything, then the swallows are the evils that plague the Capistrano Diet.  Keep them in check, and you’re home free.  Remember, however, they will want to return, year after year, but don’t let them.

Page 4

          Self-defeating behaviors are fertilizers that feed weeds.  They are tricks that your brain will play on you.  (The Morton’s are coming over on Saturday night.  Gee, I better get some desert in the house.  I have to have something to serve them).  This is simply your brain playing its polite card.  We all want to be polite, and cordial, so off to the store we go, so our company can have hors d’oeuvres, and desert, and Oh, I might as well buy some ice cream while I’m here. 

          I know one guy in San Diego who hides his weeds.  He has little stashes all over the house.  He figures that out-of-sight is out of mind.  Not so.  Out of sight is simply a swallow waiting to return.  He tells himself that it helps to have chocolate in the house, that way he won’t want it.  EXCUSE ME.  HELLO?  He already wants it – which is why he went out and put it into his shopping cart.  Do you realize that if shopping carts were living things, with all the junk food that we put into them they would be too fat and out of breath to make it down the aisles.

         

          Say, there’s a thought.  Remove the wheels from shopping carts.  They will be so heavy and cumbersome to drag down the aisles that you will shop less, buy less, and in so doing, eat less.  Eureka!  Book # 2, here I come.

          All right, maybe not.  Let’s move on.

         

         Author's note:

         This may be a reprinting of an earlier post.  If you remember having read it before - give yourself five extra points.  (I'll know if you cheat). 

Should ever you come looking

You’ll find me in an afterthought

or within a passing glance,

You’ll find me in the spring time

so brief when Tulips dance –

Down cobblestones of yesterday

in distant church bells left to ring

I’ll be there in the corner bar

not quite in tune I’ll sing,

Should ever you come looking

for a memory or two

You’ll find me with a pleasant smile

as I remember you.

Probably a Best Seller

It's this one

The Seal of Approval

Museum: Year 2048

Up on the fourth floor of the museum, over by the window, sits a public drinking fountain.  These existed throughout the city for anyone to have a free drink of clean water.

Absolutely unheard of at today's

drinking water prices.

$72.00 an ounce

The Companion

Everyone else had gone to bed.  The campfire was barely hanging on but I was not at all tired.  I had two small flashlights with me; if I were real adventurous I’d just head off into the darkness.  I’d test my own mental stability just to see how far I could get before I scared myself listening to all the noises and imagining various creatures sneaking up on me.

What the heck.  I tossed one more log onto the fire just to keep it going so I might look back at some point and get a reference as to how far I’d actually gone.  I was already telling myself this was a dumb idea.  If I got myself lost or hurt I’d have zero options.  I’d have no idea where I was, I’d have no food or water and no way to communicate.  Cell phone towers were nowhere to be found out this far.  There would be no hope of getting a signal, that’s for sure.

OK, I stopped at the edge of our campsite.  I had already worked myself into a tizzy about the hazards of wandering off like this.  Just how stupid was I?  That’s when I heard a voice ask me what I was doing.  I looked back at one of the tents and saw the campfire light reflecting off of Steven’s face.

“I’m thinking about going for a short hike.”

“Now?” Steven whispered.

“I’m not at all tired.”

“Wait there, I’ll get dressed and go with you.”

“It could be dangerous.” I said, but Steven had already ducked back into the tent to get ready.

Steven would not have been my first choice for a hiking companion but hey – strength in numbers, right?

When Steven finally climbed out of the tent I was surprised to see him with a full backpack.

“You look ready for action” I said.

“Just thought I’d try and be prepared, you know – for whatever.”

“Did you bring your own flashlight?”

“Right here.”

“OK, stay close behind me and try to be quiet as we go through the woods.”

Fifteen or twenty minutes into our hike I turned around to check on him.  He wasn’t far behind but had a look on his face that told me he was sorry for tagging along.  “I think some thorns went right through my jeans and got me” he said, rubbing his leg.

“Just what are you lugging in that pack, anyway?”

As he caught up to me he hoisted it off of his shoulders. 

“It is a little heavier than I thought it would be.  I brought a first aid kit, extra batteries, four cans of Coke, some peanut butter crackers, gummy bears and two rain ponchos.”

“Give me the pack.  I’ll carry it for a while.”

“No, it was my bright idea to bring it, I’ll carry it.  What do you think about the things I brought?”

“Well, I’m sure animals out here can easily smell the peanut butter.  I think I would have left that behind.  Bears especially, if they get the scent of those peanut butter crackers we’re sure to have company.”

I turned and headed off again.  I was positive I had him second guessing his choices and couldn’t help myself from feeling a little devious. 

“How far are we going?” Steven whispered, in a somewhat exhausted voice.

“Let’s stop here.  We can rest up and then try to find our way back.”

We both sat against a tree and Steven opened the pack and pulled out two Cokes.  The sound of them opening was loud in comparison to the night.  Neither of us had been very quiet clomping through the woods so I doubted there were any animals around we needed to be concerned with.

“I know you said you have extra batteries with you but for now let’s conserve.  Keep your light off whenever we’re not walking.”

Steven clicked off his light and the two of us sat quietly.  I could hear the coke fizzing in the can and random scurrying in the bushes.  Steven hadn’t said anything.  I couldn’t tell if he was tired or scared;

maybe both.

At the same time we both noticed a light flickering off in the distance.  Neither of us said anything but Steven had nudged my arm to get my attention.  “I see it.” I whispered.

The light seemed to be getting closer to us but it was still a ways away.

“Do you think they’re looking for us?” Steven asked quietly.

“No.  If it was anyone from our campsite they’d yell out.  They would call our names and wait for a response.”

We just sat still and waited.

Apparently I nodded off while sitting there.  I hadn’t realized how tired I was and once we sat and rested against the tree, well… it was off to dreamland for me.

When I awoke Steven was not around.  I couldn’t believe he would just wander off by himself.  I’m not sure how long I had been asleep but everything was wet with morning dew.  The clouds were light and wispy and moving fast over the tree tops. 

I remembered the light off in the distance we’d both seen last night.  Maybe Steven had gone off to investigate.  Whatever it was he’d done, he took the backpack with him.  Even the empty Coke cans were gone.  I was quite hungry and just keep an eye out for him as I tried to find my way back to the campsite.

Nothing looked familiar and I hadn’t a clue as to which direction to head.  At least it was light enough to see now.  I wouldn’t have to follow the small circle of light from my flashlight.

Every now and then I’d stop walking, just to listen for voices.  So far there was nothing.  There was just the sound of me, making my way through the branches and the scampering squirrels.  On two occasions I saw a line of wild turkeys making their way someplace important.  Who knew what was important to a wild turkey but they seemed to be on a mission.

If I had picked the right direction I should be getting close to the camp by now, but still no sign of Steven.  Hopefully he was already back and cooking breakfast.  I knew that wasn’t realistic but where could he have gotten off to?

Off to the left, which I assumed was East, I heard a siren.  I didn’t think we were anywhere close to a highway but it was definitely a sheriff or ambulance.  I turned in that direction and kept making my way through the woods.  It was about another half mile when I could see our campsite as well as the emergency flashing lights.

Through a small clearing I could make out an ambulance and two police cars.  Now I was very concerned and found myself almost running to get there.  Not that running was much of an option through these branches.

When I finally reached the camp I could see someone on a stretcher being loaded into the ambulance.  Everyone else was looking stunned.  Nancy was sobbing.

“What’s going on?  What happened?”

Bill looked up at me but said nothing.  Aggie looked up and headed towards me. 

“Where have you been?” he snapped.

“I couldn’t sleep last night so Steven and I went for a hike.”

Suddenly Aggie was just staring at me.  I couldn’t really read his facial expression.  “What’s going on here, what’s happened?” I asked.

“Steven was with you?”  He questioned.

“Yes, why, isn’t he back yet?”

“Steven’s dead.  He passed away late last night in his sleep.”

“That’s impossible, he was with me.  We hiked a few miles into the woods just for something to do.  He brought his backpack, we drank Cokes.”

“Ned, you must have dreamt it.  According to the coroner, Steven must have died right after crawling into his sleeping bag.  He was bitten by a snake and died within seconds.”

I couldn’t believe this.  It just didn’t make any sense.  “Who called for the ambulance and how?  There are no signals out here. I’m sorry, but this can’t be.  I was with him, we talked to each other.”

Aggie walked back to be with the others.  He must have thought I was nuts.  I had to see for myself.  I headed for the ambulance but it was taking off just as I was getting there.

I could see Aggie talking to the others and pointing to me.

I wanted to walk over to them but I couldn’t.  I just stood there, stunned.  I know what I saw.  He was with me, we talked.  I remember looking back at the tent and seeing the campfire light reflect off his face.  I remember we both saw the light in the woods.  I didn’t dream that.

What I couldn't remember were any thorns.

      Zobostic Corwin