The Pit of Despair

 

From a very early age music had been Scooter’s life.  The days of his youth had been spent practicing the Cello, learning to read the notes and simply honing his craft.  He was truly a Cello player and the day he was accepted into the Boston Philharmonic Orchestra was the happiest day he could remember, but Scooter had a problem.

Unbeknownst to the conductor but knownst to everyone around him, Scooter was addicted to Dr. Pepper.  In fact, he was never without one.  His locker at work was packed full of bottles of Dr. Pepper, his backpack was stuffed with them and on the floor next to his chair as he played was one he would sip whenever the conductor wasn’t looking 

If that weren’t bad enough, Scooter’s belches were loud, and deep and long.  Whenever possible he would hold them in until just the right time during a movement when the sound of the orchestra was loud enough to drown them out.  Unfortunately, that was not always possible.  Scooter’s carbonation factor was a nine.  A two was normal. 

One day, Jackie sitting next to him suggested he add 50% whiskey to his beverage.  "That will cut the carbonation and you won't be so affected."  So that's what Scooter did.  He took each bottle of Dr. Pepper and drained out half of the liquid and then added in the whiskey to fill the bottle back up.  Almost immediately his problem was solved.  Scooter no longer burped each time he took a sip.  This was great, he thought.

But then, during a Friday night performance, as the orchestra was playing selections from Beethoven's Greatest Hits, the conductor began to leave his podium and casually wander in and around the pit of musicians looking at each one as they played.  No one was ever sure why he did this, but he would do it every now and then just to keep familiar with who was who and to hear each one playing.

As the conductor grew closer and closer, Scooter began to fidget in his seat.  He knew for sure the conductor would see the half-empty whiskey bottle by his feet.  For sure he would be fired.  Scooter began to sweat.  If he couldn't play the Cello he didn't know what he would do.  Jackie couldn't help but notice Scooter panic and she gave him a little jab with her elbow and told him to calm down.

But now the conductor was at the end of their row and making his way towards them.  Scooter glanced down.  The bottle was out far enough from his chair that even if the conductor didn't see it, his foot would surely knock it over.  Well, what happened next you wouldn't believe.  It was the unfinished fifth that...