No Experience Necessary

 

It was being used now as a dining room table, but it wasn’t always.  It was old and quite worn.  Two places had splits, and many areas had marks and burns.  The only positive thing was that it didn’t wobble.

Presently on the table was a small bowl of yesterday’s macaroni and cheese, one fork and the classifieds.  Hopefully today there will be a job for me.  Not only was I running out of time, but I had more things against me than in my favor.  I had zero interviewing skills, a resume full of lies and $23.00 that I needed to last for the rest of the week.

I recognized most of these ads.  They’ve been here for the past three weeks, none of which I was qualified for and most required some kind of degree.  Once again – not me.  I just needed to find something simple, some job where I could just do my thing and be left alone.

Office work was out of the question, as is anything dealing with computers.  I could work on an assembly line, that I could do.  Just repetitive labor, the same thing over and over again, that would be great.  I could sweep, I could clean things, be a custodian or something.  Where are those jobs?

Okay, here’s something.  No experience necessary.  Work in a stress-free environment, Monday through Friday.  Weekends and holidays off.  Competitive salary with benefits starting on day one.  Applicants will be subjected to a drug and background check.  Apply in person on Tuesdays.  9 am, suite 914.  1100 Baker Plaza. Ask for Mr. Thompson.

They never say what it is.  I wonder, if they said what the job was, would people not apply?  Why the mystery?  Do I need to dress up for this?  Should I put on a necktie?  How many hundreds of guys are going to show up for this?

This macaroni is cold.  I should have zapped it.

I bet it's a sales job.  They're always looking for sales people.  My problem is, I can't think of anything out there that people really need.  How can I sell them on something that I don't believe in?  Sure, people need a car, but do they really need to spend thousands on it?  No.  Extras and options and all the fake charges that the dealerships add on, that's all garbage.  No one needs any of it. 

Houses, people need to live someplace but I'm not about to go to real estate school for several weeks just to show someone where to sign.  "...and here, and here and initial here.  And as further inducement, the seller is providing you with homeowner's insurance.  That will cover all your appliances, heating, aid conditioning and water heater.  That's good for one year and comes with the optional under-coating, oil changes and tire rotations."

Google has done away with encyclopedia salesmen.  The other things that seem to be popular are hearing aids and window replacements, neither of which I'm interested in.

Maybe I don't even want this job.  Why should I fall for their sneaky ad, when they don't even bother saying what the job is?  I'm not putting on a necktie for those Bozos.

I quit.