An Endless Supply of Stupid

Sitting out here in the wind causes me to squint.   There is likelihood that some particle will find its way into my eye, so I squint.  This, of course, is not a foolproof method of prevention, but more a simple human response to a situation.

My on-line hobby is to find and/or develop foolproof solutions to problems.  Given the vast array of human responses or reactions to any situation, my assignment is always a difficult challenge.   Add to that, Murphy’s Law, and my task becomes close to impossible.

I’ll give you an example that’s still fresh in my mind.   The owner of a Lawn Service wrote to me asking how he could stop his employees from using their hands to clear out lumps of wet grass from beneath the mowers, while the mowers were still running.  He added that he has very few employees left who have all of their fingers.  On payday, some can’t even grasp their paycheck.

I suggested that during their morning meetings, as he issues out the day’s assignments, he ask the group, “Who remembers our #1 Rule?

Come-on, show of hands.”

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One Department Manager wrote in complaining that many of her employees cut across the local dog run to get to the building.  They are constantly tracking dog poop across the carpet and the place smells terrible.  She went on to explain that she was in charge of the perfume and make-up department at Sears and smell is a big part of their selling technique.

I, of course, suggested her employees enter through the Shoe Department, and simply exchange their shoes with new ones as they pass through.

This way I get paid for solving her problem while at the same time get the Manager of the Shoe Department gets new Customers every morning.

On an unrelated matter…

          We had to attend a funeral on Friday, and unlike going to the movies, there wasn’t anyone reminding us to turn off our cell phones, nor was there any popcorn. Claudia and I sat just behind the first row.  There were maybe 60 people there and as there wasn’t any microphone system to aid those giving speeches, everyone was being extra quiet so those sitting in the back could hear.

          A little ways into the service the daughter of the deceased stood up and told us all how the spirit of her father had paid them a visit.  He had unlocked doors that were locked and as she spoke to all of us with true conviction and passion, I was praying that no one would call my cell phone. 

          Not only had I forgotten to turn it off, but also the volume was all the way up and ring tone it plays when it goes off is “ Start Me Up” by the Rolling Stones.

          Thankfully, my prayers were answered.  Unfortunately, however, someone sitting across the room got a call.  They had a standard cell phone ring tone and quickly shut it off.

          Not being all that familiar with funeral traditions, Claudia and I were surprised to see a lady sitting in the service, holding a handful of strings, attached to a bunch of colorful helium balloons.  We just assumed she had a party to attend later in the day and didn’t want the balloons to go flat out in her car.

          At the end of the service we discovered that the balloons were to be released by the attendees’ just outside, as a symbolic gesture of letting go, or maybe to accompany the spirit on it’s journey up between the power lines and tree branches.

          Bon Voyage Uncle Mike

          You will be missed.

(There was a beautiful photograph here

of different colored balloons floating off

towards Heaven.  Something happened and

it didn't copy to the blog.  You'll just have to

close your eyes and imagine it).

Have a Great Forever

And as always, write back when you can.

Zobostic Corwin