With just one application of your Fungus Accelerator, our backyard has transformed into a towering mushroom preserve. While we appreciate enthusiasm in a product, this level of enthusiasm feels… ambitious. Your advertisement promised results in “two to three weeks.” The attached photograph was taken the following morning, and frankly, the mushrooms are now casting shadows on the house.
Our concern has grown—quite literally—due to yesterday’s unfortunate incident. Our youngest child, Skippy, ingested a small amount of your Formula 918 Accelerator. Since then, his shoes no longer fit, his shirt buttons have launched themselves into the azaleas, and he is currently experiencing what we can only describe as “rapid vertical enthusiasm.”
We immediately contacted poison control. Their initial advice was to avoid watering him and to keep him in a sunny part of the yard. Thirty minutes later, they called back to add that we should absolutely not let him go into the basement. They did not elaborate.
We are writing to request guidance, a refund, and possibly a containment protocol.
Thank you, Mary & Ted Wilmington
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