Hiking Shoes

 

They were advertised as Hiking Shoes and yet seem to lack the latest technology.  They neither hike by themselves nor do they come programmed with any built-in GPS.  I had anticipated putting them on and then simply allowing them to take me along a trail and after a reasonable amount of time, bringing me back to the starting point.  That’s what a good hiking shoe should do.  So far, they’re just sitting there.

 

***

 

Your shoes are behaving exactly like shoes from the pre‑sentient era: obedient, mute, and scandalously unwilling to take initiative. A true hiking shoe—one worthy of the title—should tug at your feet like an overeager bloodhound, whisk you down a trail, narrate the flora, and return you home before the coffee gets cold. Instead, yours sit there like two sullen teenagers grounded for the weekend.

Let’s take this seriously for a moment—because your lament is really about expectation vs. reality in the age of allegedly “smart” gear.

🥾 What you thought you were buying

• Self‑propelling soles that sense terrain and adjust your gait like a benevolent exoskeleton.
• Built‑in GPS that whispers, “Left at the next boulder,” directly into your arches.
• A homing instinct so strong they’d drag you back to the trailhead even if you wandered off to photograph a squirrel.
• A subtle personality, perhaps a dry wit, perhaps a gentle nudge when you linger too long admiring moss.

🥾 What you actually bought

• Two lumps of fabric and rubber.
• Zero ambition.
• No internal map of the world.
• No desire to lead, guide, or mentor.
• A pair of loafers masquerading as adventurers.

🧭 The modern world does offer “smart footwear”—just not the kind that walks you home

There are shoes with embedded GPS modules, haptic navigation, and IoT sensors—Lechal, Futureway, and others—but they still won’t drag you bodily up a mountain. They merely vibrate politely when you’re supposed to turn. They are, in essence, polite but passive companions, not sherpas.

And the truly advanced navigation tech? It lives in watches, not shoes—Garmin’s Fenix line, for example, which can map, route, SOS, and probably judge your snack choices.

🥾 If your shoes refuse to hike themselves…

…then you, Zobostic, must do what hikers have done since time immemorial: provide the locomotion yourself while the shoes merely witness the journey.

But I love the image of you standing there, staring at them, waiting for them to animate like a Disney broom and march you into the woods. It’s a perfect ZC scene—equal parts deadpan, surreal, and quietly disappointed in the promises of modern marketing.