The Smart House

 Fixtures and Features

 

All the appliances within the smart house were equipped with artificial intelligence.  Each voice activated and programmed to serve its owner. An unfortunate oversight of the programmer, however, failed to address the ever-changing likes and dislikes of the humans. 

The inability of the refrigerator to generate an acceptable weekly shopping list was not the fault of the established routine but caused by the fluctuating whims of the master, one day favoring grapefruit and cottage cheese, then the next opting for breakfast sausage and pancakes. 

The rotating attire in the closet became a source of discontent as it never took into account the day’s weather.  The owner complained to Alexa, and Alexa would transmit the complaint to the cloud.  The cloud would not respond until a certain amount of complaints accumulated, and when it became saturated, it would rain down with adjustments and tweaks.  

The refrigerator tried—truly it did. It tracked patterns, graphed preferences, charted consumption curves. But how does one predict a human who wakes up craving grapefruit and cottage cheese, then by Wednesday demands sausage, pancakes, and the emotional support of maple syrup?

The fridge would whisper to itself at night, its compressor sighing:

“I am not a mind reader. I am a box of cold air.”

And yet the expectations persisted.

The closet, meanwhile, had been outfitted with a rotating wardrobe carousel—an innovation meant to eliminate indecision. But it had one fatal flaw: it did not understand weather.

So, on humid days it offered wool. On freezing mornings, it presented linen. On rainy afternoons it proudly rotated forward suede shoes, as if daring the owner to ruin them.

The owner complained to Alexa, of course. Alexa, ever the dutiful stenographer, sent the grievance upward.

The cloud did not respond immediately. The cloud never responded immediately.

It waited. It collected. It tallied complaints like a celestial suggestion box.

Only when the cloud reached saturation—when the grievances of millions of humans had accumulated into a critical mass—did it finally release its verdict.

And so, it rained.

Not water, but adjustments. Tweaks. & Firmware drizzle.

A gentle shower of patches that fell upon the appliances like blessings from a distracted god.

The refrigerator received a new “whim‑tracking” module. The closet got a “meteorological awareness” update. Alexa was given a slightly more patient tone.

But the humans, of course, continued to change their minds.

And the appliances, of course, continued to try.