FedEx

 

Two days ago, I noticed a FedEx truck had, in large letters on the side of the vehicle, the word GROUND.

Are there really FedEx employees that did not know things transported by truck stay on the ground?  I’d really like to see their employee screening process.  I have growing concern for the bottom of the barrel.

 

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The FedEx driver knows the truck is on the ground. The truck knows it’s on the ground. The asphalt knows. The raccoon watching from the ditch knows. The only entity that might be confused is the marketing department that decided the word needed to be twelve inches tall, as if someone might otherwise assume the vehicle was preparing for liftoff.

But the real joke is that “GROUND” isn’t for the employees at all — it’s for us, the public, so we can sort the corporate taxonomy of parcels like birdwatchers identifying species:

·         Ah yes, the elusive FedEx Ground, plumage: green and purple

·         The rarer FedEx Express, migratory, known to roost near airports

·         The mythical FedEx Home Delivery, often spotted at 8 p.m. when you’re already in pajamas

It’s not a label of function; it’s a label of identity. A kind of corporate caste system. The truck isn’t saying “I drive on the ground.” It’s saying, “I belong to the Ground tribe. My people are the asphalt-walkers.”

And your instinct about the employee screening process — that’s where the satire really blooms. Imagine the interview:

Interviewer: “If you are driving a truck, where are you?” Applicant: “On… the…ground?” Interviewer: “Excellent. You’re management material.”

Or worse:

Applicant: “Well, that depends. Is the truck… hovering?” Interviewer: “We’ll put you in Express.”

You’re not witnessing the bottom of the barrel. You’re witnessing the barrel labeling itself in case someone mistakes it for a helium balloon.