I'm right here.

 

I’m always here in fact – I live here.  My thoughts are my home.  They are my walls as well as my windows.  Should I ever require a room addition, I simply think of something else.  See?  Now I’m over here.

I see where you live.  Sometimes I see you outside jogging, or riding on a bicycle.  Here in my thoughts, there aren’t any tree roots to trip me up, only the occasional punctuation to stumble over or perhaps, should I not be paying attention, I could suddenly change tense and find myself back here somewhere or sometime.   It all gets very tricky.

Anyway, thanks for visiting.  It’s always good to see you.

Quando omni flunkus moritati

 

 

Now it's behind you

 

He said, it's all in the wrist.

Name that Tune

 

From Nature

 

There is a species of spider that actually spins its web using the surface of river water.   It is surprisingly resistant to wind and quite effective in catching very small insects and larger, up to the size of dragonflies.

The web itself goes unseen from below the water’s surface.  It is that technology that 3M Corporation is attempting to duplicate, using the skin from the surface of two day-old Jell-O.

 

 

The thing about private security...

 

It is approximately once a week, a refrigerated truck shows up delivering groceries to us.  The truck has a side door and from our front window we can see the driver enter the body of the truck and gather together everything that is on our shopping list.

Yesterday was quite windy and while the driver was gathering our stuff together, the wind blew the side door closed with him inside.  I just assumed there was a latch on the inside of the door that would allow the driver to simply push it open again.

We waited.  A long time had passed, and we grew concerned, thinking maybe we should go out and check on him.  Now it had grown uncomfortably long, so I went out the front door and walked down to the street, where the truck was parked.  I called out to the driver.  “Hello?”  There was no answer.  I stepped closer and knocked on the door that had swung closed.  No response.

I tried pulling the door open, but it felt locked or stuck.  It wasn’t budging.  My neighbor, who had apparently also been watching the activity came down and joined me.

“What now?” He asked me.

“Maybe he has had a medical emergency.  I’m not sure what to do.”

“Well, if something has happened to him, at least he won’t spoil.”

“That’s not funny.” I said, and I again banged on the door.  Still no response.

“Surely there has to be a way to open it from the inside, and it was a little funny.”

“Then why didn’t he open it himself?”

Now a neighborhood security vehicle pulled up behind the truck.

“Is there a problem here?”

“Kind of, the driver is locked inside, and we don’t know if he is alright or not.”

“Well, all I noticed it that he is parked too far from the curb.  He is blocking too much of the road.”

“You’re kidding, right?”

“I don’t joke about safety.  He needs to pull this over closer to the curb.”

“How can he do that if he’s lying unconscious inside this refrigerator?”

“Not my problem.”

 

 

Planted in rows

 

A Wicker Farm
in a greenhouse
somewhere in Kansas

From the James Webb Telescope

 A 

Perfect Photograph

taken by the 
James Webb telescope

of a tiny

reflective surface

on the angry red planet

looking back at

my muffin here on Earth

Magnification .008%

 

...what is that?

 It was like
everywhere I looked
I saw a cat

There was one

in the spoon rest.

There was another
watching me take this picture.

and still another
on my bed.

Then suddenly
I discovered...

Le Box

So to Speak

It’s not always clear

when you say what you think

The words that come out

have been mangled I think

Your English is fine

most of the time good,

But your haven’t and haves

sound awfully like shoulds.

We agree on a time

we both think is fair

I wait in the park

while you’re in the square.

You’re pepper, I’m salt

I’m bread, you're butter

It’s nobody’s fault

the sounds that you utter.

I think it’s your accident

with no GPS

where the meaning has gone

is anyone’s guess. 

Lifelong Friends

 

So, I’ve been trying to teach my shadow some new tricks.  First, I showed him a summersault.  I think he did it, but he was quick.  By the time I looked over to watch him, he was already standing up looking back at me.

I also try to get him to participate more in school.  I’ll be in my chair, and he sits over against the wall.  I’ll raise my hand to ask a question, so I see him do it too.  I quickly lower mine so he can have a chance, but then he pulls his down just as quickly.  Sometimes I think he’s just playing with me.  He’s annoying like that, but he’s the only one who has stuck with me no matter what.

 

 

Left Behind

 

For some time now, I believed the train had left the station, leaving me behind, standing on the platform.

Most of my life I have written letters and mailed them through the postal system.  After a long struggle I finally gave in and started using email, even though I still mail out the occasional envelope.

Now I discover that email is old-school.  I should be texting.  That’s what people are doing today.

Due to a combination of issues, some having to do with my crappy phone and others dealing with the difference in methods between email and text, I struggle slightly when texting.  I never took typing in school, consequently I type with one index finger, leaving others free to itch, hitchhike and point, (directing the blame elsewhere).

So it isn’t that I’ve been left at the station.  I’m apparently wearing platform shoes.  I will forever be watching the caboose get farther and farther away, no matter where I'm standing.

 

 

 

The Five Second Rule

 

There is a portion of my brain that still takes its shoes off before entering a thought.  It began many years ago when I was exposed to knowledge.  Just a little rubbed off on me and that little bit has spread slowly like a glob of ketchup on the sleeve of a white shirt.

Before I go on any further, I should mention the metal pail sitting on the floor by the edge of my desk.  It is full of metaphors.  They are in no particular order, so whenever I reach down and grab one, it is anybody’s guess if it will be appropriate or complete nonsense.   I just thought I should mention that before we get too far.

Here’s the thing, rub a Q-Tip across the bottom of your shoe and then across a glass slide.  Put the slide under your microscope and have a gander.  There is an entire universe of creepy.  Now, fast forward many years.  That ketchup stain of knowledge has spread, although just enough to be dangerous.

I tend to see the world as if it is wrapped completely in bubble wrap.  Every time someone moves, a bubble gets popped.  Each bubble is filled with pollution, either in the form of fake news, general misinformation, or propaganda of some kind.  It matters not if you have 2G or 5G, or simply gee willikers, it is going to get on you.  The 5 second rule needs to be thrown out the Microsoft window.

I’m going to change gears slightly here.  Last night I saw a TV program where Lady Gaga and Bill Gates were being interviewed at the same time, in the same room.  That, in itself should have tweaked something in me, but there was yet another part of the same program that did the tweaking.

A female UCLA professor was also giving an interview.  Today I could not tell you what she said.  I was too focused on her nose ring.

What that told me was that I was the problem.  I was the only one seeing Lady Gaga as a circus clown, and nose ring lady as a runner-up.  It was me who had stepped out of their comfort zone.  Apparently when I had moved I had broken a few of the bubble wrap bubbles.  I was contaminated with preconceived ideas and old, outdated notions.

I understand that if you want to get the widest audience possible, you put Bill Gates and Lady Gaga together, but my brain just couldn’t handle a college professor wearing a nose ring.  Where was her ketchup stain? 

The bigger question, of course, is how do we move through society while avoiding the creepy?  There appears nothing left that isn't contaminated. Not to be a negative Nelly, but AI adds an entire different set of things to avoid that we haven't even thought of yet.

Just slipping our shoes off isn't going to do it.

 

 

One can't exist without the other.

 

There is a beautiful painting.  When I gaze into it, I hear classical guitar music, accompanied by raspy poetic lyrics.  It is a song that plays comfortably on the canvas.  It tugs at my inabilities.  I will never be an artist or be able to message life's feelings out of a guitar but it is a place to which I enjoyed going.

To post a picture of the painting here would be an injustice to both, you the viewer as well as to the art, for it would simply lay flat against this screen, without its accompaniment. It saddens me that my description fails to convey its truth.

The Klingon ship was approaching

 

New Horizons - sort of...

 

Unbeknownst to Frank and Marge, the cruise ship captain reported the missing lifeboat to the U.S. Coast Guard, along with a description of the culprits.

Knowing the course the cruise ship was on; the coast guard charted the area where the lifeboat would most likely be located.  They dispatched two search boats along with a copy of the official complaint that had been faxed by the ship’s captain.

Meanwhile, Frank and Marge were delighted to find their lifeboat not only contained first aid supplies, but a small container of emergency food and drinking water.  Believing he was being kind to the fish, Frank had been tossing bits of the Sun bread overboard, feeding whatever schools of fish were following their boat.  Marge did not find this at all amusing, seeing it only as her husband depleting their food source.

Neither of them knew what time it was or even what day it now was.  Of course, you and I both know it had only been since yesterday that they left the cruise ship, but Frank and Marge were prone to exaggerate everything.  Neither would admit to the other they were scared and both found bathroom breaks to be awkward and embarrassing, but they pressed on.

“Maybe we should sleep in shifts.”

Marge looked at him for a moment and finally said, “Why on earth would we do that?”

“So at least one of us is awake if a rescue boat comes along.”

“Do you think they will be so quiet that we’ll sleep right through it?”

“I don’t know, maybe.”

“Maybe we should hang a sign over the edge of the boat.  Please wake us up if you’re here to rescue us.”

“Forget it, it was just an idea.”

“Frank, is there any more cereal in the food container?  I’m a little hungry again.”

“There is, but the Horizon brand milk is out of date.  There is that bottle of Bailey’s Irish Cream.  You could use that instead of milk.  It's about the same color.”

And as the sun slowly dipped out of sight, the two once again lit their lantern and dealt out their emergency playing cards for another round of gin.

Side note:

As the narrator I was allowed to have access to the lifeboat before Frank and Marge even thought about taking it, so I placed a deck of cards there, just incase they should need one.

I did good, right?

 

Pirates - sort of...

 

It quickly became clear to me that the captain wasn’t going to turn the cruise ship around, no matter how sick we were.  During the night, with the help of three other gentlemen from the same deck we were on, we lowered my wife and I in a lifeboat and quietly watched as the giant ship grew smaller and smaller, the further away from us it got.

That sounds awkward, how about, the further away from us it became?  That’s a little better but still there is something off.

"What is that you're writing?"

 “Well I’m the captain now.  It is my duty to keep a log.  I need to document our adventure.”

“Where did you get that little notebook and pen?”

“It was in the drawer of the table in our room.”

“And you just TOOK IT?”

“Honey, look around.  We just stole a lifeboat from a cruise ship.  If they’re going to hang us it won’t be for this little notebook and pen.”

“Well, I just don’t think it’s right – just taking things.”

“I suppose you never took anything?”

“Well, I did snag this loaf of bread as we were passing that last dining station.  I just thought we’d need something to eat.”

“Is that the Sun Bread they were serving at lunch yesterday?  That was terrible, and who ever heard of Sun Bread anyway?”

“I have. Don’t you remember their commercials?  It’s Sun Bread, our Sun rises in the yeast.”

“Well that’s just stupid.”

‘…and besides, who said you get to be Captain?”

“Because I’m the one who understands Mary Times Law.”

“You’re not even saying that right.”

“I am too.  It all started back with Mary Times, or as she became known, Queen of Scots, and her friend Prudence.”

“OK, I’ve heard of Mary Queen of Scots, but who is this Prudence character?”

“It was Juris Prudence.  Her and Mary came up with the laws that govern what happens out at sea.”

“Frank, I don’t know what school you attended, but there are a few too many holes in your three ring binder."

 

Tune in again tomorrow for another exciting episode of The Adventures of Frank and Marge.

 

 

About Face

 

Office Space

 

The wood floor creaked with every step.  If you were standing in the basement when someone was walking around on the first floor, it was quite unnerving.  It was almost like they were about to fall through.

The entire place smelled like the smokers who had occupied the place before.  It was going to take some industrial cleaner to make the place useable.

The previous tenants left behind a few file cabinets, three old, wooden desks and two paintings, one of which was hiding a hole in the wall.

On the positive side, the office was right on Main Street and from the outside it looked classy.  There were beautiful leaded windows and fancy curtains on each side of every window.  A rich looking front door that opened into a small but adequate waiting area. Nine semi-comfortable chairs lined up along the walls and a small wood table, good for an assortment of magazines or whatever, in the center of the area.

A second, smaller table interrupted the row of chairs along one wall.  That would be for a coffee pot, cream and sugar containers and several ceramic cups, hopefully with our logo on them.  As I stood there looking around, I started to get excited about our new adventure.  This was going to be great.

I began to make a mental list of the things I wanted to get done before we opened.  First, I want a big area rug for this waiting area.  People always feel better when standing on carpet.  Next I want to get the place checked out just to make sure all the electrical outlets work and maybe get some nicer ceiling lights and fixtures.  These look a little harsh.

The restroom could use a going over as well.  No music.  This needs to be a serious place.  And no radio stations blabbing on in the background.  

 

To be continued

N.S.L.B.

 

Several weeks after the animals started cooking their meals, they began to borrow pots and pans from us humans.  Eventually, some of the more dexterous ones started using forks and spoons.  Especially the racoons with their tiny hands became quite adept at using utensils.  Toothpicks, not so much.

The Blue Thorn Corporation makes and provides all of the cookware for the animal kingdom.  Everything is eco-friendly, resistant to bite marks and at zero cost.

The Disneyland Corporation pays for all costs associated with the 100% vegetarian program, No Sprout Left Behind.   Nigel Blossom, spokesperson for Disney said the outpouring of community support has been amazing.  "It would seem that everyone wants this project to succeed."

So far, a picture of a Panda chewing a bamboo shoot is leading in the Blue Thorn logo contest.  2nd place is a photo of a sloth with a slow cooker.  The winner will be announced in late August.

 

 

Recycle

 

A Very Petty Officer

 

The following is a true story.

 

So we're all standing at rollcall in the morning.  The Sargent announces that four of us have been promoted.  We get dismissed for the day, so we head out on our way to the barracks.  The Air Police stop us and talk to one guy in our group because he is outside but doesn't have his hat on.

 

For some reason I find this to be funny, so I laugh.  (Not loud, not a disruptive laugh). At that point the police tell me to get into their car and they drive me to see the base commander.  (Not kidding)

 

The base commander says I was wrong to laugh and he demotes me.  That means, I had my promotion for approximately one hour.

 

Long story short, it was several months before I ever got my stripe back, and I had to write to my congressman to get their attention.  My pay stayed on the bottom for six or seven months.

My point... 

Just because someone makes it to the rank of colonel, don't believe for a minute they have any intelligence.

 

The only reason I wrote this is to say to those thinking about joining the military -  it is infested with people, not all of them good and not all of them can handle power.

 

I'm sorry to report but Frank Burns is real.

Really, think about it.  This Colonel, who is responsible for an entire U.S. military base, chooses to spend his time chastising an off-duty private and punishing him for giggling outside.

If mental defectives like this can rise to the rank of Colonel, I'd hate to think what could end up in the white house. 

 

Should this Blog (or me) suddenly disappear 
you'll know I was telling the truth.

 

 

Conducive to thought

 

Music from the 40's plays in the background.

I sometimes wander about in past tense

and imagine how different life would be

with a different color mug.

The Driver's Name is Todd

 

When it is 86° out, it is 119° inside the mailbox.

There was one case of a postcard showing a picture of an ice cream cone.  It had actually melted onto my acceptance letter from Harvard.  All blurry and smudged, there was no way it could be read.  Everyone tried to tell me it wasn’t an acceptance but a "We regret to inform you" letter.  To this day the jury is still out.

Several years ago, during an extremely hot spell, a Sears catalog in the mailbox burst into flames.  The tractors on page 1118 actually exploded.

That was the year I discovered that cutting vent holes to let the heat out also let the rain in.  It was the rain that destroyed my Princeton acceptance letter.  I think I really could have done well there.

Last year I tried to fool the system, and I had Eric apply to Stanford for me.  All I got back was a hand-written note saying "Zobostic doesn’t apply himself"   How did they know?

Maybe I’ll work on a new application and send it to Yale.  I just need to look on a map and see where that is. Hopefully it is along the bus route and I can just hop on the #3 bus.  I know the driver and he doesn’t always insist on exact change.

I wonder how much tuition is…  maybe I could pay a little each month.

I can tell, some of you don't believe
the ice cream on the postcard melted all
over my letter.
Now why would I make that up?

Both May Apply

 

Carbonated / Carbon Dated

The Escape

 

I had followed his instructions to the letter.  I got the boat and left it by the river, right where he said it needed to be.  I made sure I wasn’t followed.  He was to break out just as everyone was going to dinner.

He knew where the hole was in the fence, and he had studied the timing of the floodlights that swept across the yard.  It was every 18 minutes.  He had just enough time to get from the edge of the building to the fence, and then through the hole.

The problem was that it was Wednesday.  They always served meatloaf on Wednesdays.  He loves their meatloaf.

 

 

Her Name was Patience

 

It was on the fifth ring and still no one had answered.  She kept telling herself, just one more, then they’ll pick up. By ring 1,260 she was about to give up but then thought better of it.  Maybe on the next one…

Whenever she played Hey Jude, she’d keep listening long after any normal person would have stopped and gotten on with their life. Still a little discernible sound was coming through, so she kept straining and leaning closer to the speaker.

She didn’t really have any lucky Lotto numbers.  She played her birthday, their anniversary and the date Larry got released from prison.  She never even won a two-dollar ticket, yet each week she told herself, maybe this time.

I remember, I asked her once if she ever had a nickname.  She said a few kids back in school would call her, Short-straw, but she didn’t know why.

 

Some would say I'm fussy

 

I have a difficult time selecting a book to read.  Mostly, I pick one based on the title or the graphics on the cover and then read just a few sentences at random.  If it doesn’t grab me right away, I set it back on the shelf.

If it sounds at all preachy, like they have some messages to get out, I dump it.  I’m not really interested in any cause or injustice.  I like things to be lite and fun.  Authors using big or cumbersome words, just to show off annoy me.  I have a keep-it-simple philosophy.  Just tell your story and get on with it.

Too much description also drives me bonkers.  Knock it off.  I don’t care that the ice pick the killer was holding came from Ace Hardware, has a classic style wood handle, a blue stripe and a stainless steel brace and a half-off coupon was used to purchase it.  Although it does tell the reader that the killer, or whoever bought the ice pick, was savvy enough to wait for a bargain.  In fact, just having a killer in the story tells me the writer is boring.

If the author isn’t afraid to look stupid or sound silly, then they’re the one for me.  Anyone going through life to just have fun and enjoy themselves is someone I’d like to know.

The other thing, I like short stories.  Unless it is something that keeps me laughing, page after page, I’m not interested.  Short adventures are the best.

Odds are, it's never going to be a Book of the Month, or on anyone's best seller list.  It's simply going to be a little gem I find tucked along the alphabet somewhere, and if it is really that good, I'll buy it just so I can read it again, whenever I want. 

One final thing.  It must be book-shaped.  I only have the one set of bookends, so nothing odd or bumpy.  That's it.

Something New

 

What is it?

"It's a box."

I know it is a box.  What's it for?

"Who left it here?"

Don't talk with your mouth full.

I wish it still worked

 

Exhausted of wishes and resigned with a tarnished reputation, he simply told me he was done.  He was finished with the wish business for good.  I was too late.

There would be no reviving this genie.

 

I can see your problem there, Pal.
That's a stupid tea pot.
That's no genie lamp.

It is too.  I paid for it, I should know what it is.

Sorry Bub, but I don't think so.
You've got an old tea kettle laying on its side.

We all can see that.

Alien Life Form

 

The damp spot on the table is left from a wet sponge having just wiped off the top.

The tiny orange dot is a creature.

It has vision, legs and although unknown to me,

a purpose. 

It has discovered this moisture and stopped to have a drink.

If I had a good macro lens on my camera 

you'd be able to see it has a face, maybe eyebrows and is currently smiling.  You know,
because it was thirsty, and no longer is.

I do not know if it is from some distant planet, or

Boise.

I have no idea if it will jump from this puddle

like a Mullet, or simply swim over to the edge

and continue on its journey.

It is altogether possible that I am the first

to discover this species. Maybe I'll get my name in some

scientific journal, or on the cover of LIFE magazine.

Maybe not.  I think that LIFE has become extinct. 

"Always look on the bright side of Life"

 

The dance floor has gotten too crowded to even move around.  The bands have replaced talent with volume.  The cover charge has added a two drink minimum, while out in the bushes the Man waits to see who dares to drive home.

We live in a dysfunctional society.  We lower the bar on education, and employment requirements and expect honesty where there is none.  We travel in herds that pollute our air and believe people falling down passes for entertainment.

We hope for a hero but settle for the weather channel.  I’m just happy that I’m not one of those people who only see the negative.

 

As always, opposing views are welcomed.