Episode 19

(A Visit from the Governor)

 

            As we left Oak Valley a giant storm has just disrupted the Flounder’s Day Parade.  As we rejoin our story we are in time to hear, Thwap, thwap, thwap.  It is the sound of the Governor’s helicopter swooping over Oak Valley and landing next to Ed’s Mobil Diner.  As the Governor steps out Mayor Warren Peace begins to applaud his arrival and the townspeople join in.

 

Warren Peace:  “Governor, welcome to Oak Valley.”

 

Phil A. Buster:  “Thank You.  Thank you very much.  (He responds in a rather poor Elvis impression)  Look Warren, from what I’ve seen this entire area is a disaster.  I believe you qualify for some Government disaster money.  You folks need to rebuild.”

 

The Townspeople:   “Cheer…  Applaud, applaud, applaud…”

 

            As the Governor steps back into the helicopter he turns and tosses out several large brown boxes.

 

Phil A. Buster:  “Here, this will get you going.”

 

Thwap, thwap, thwap…  Thwap, thwap, thwap...

 

            As the Governor flies off into the distance Nancy Phoepaw goes over to one of the brown boxes.

 

Warren:  “Open it up Nancy.  What’s in it?”

 

            As Nancy opens the large carton she exclaims, “Oh, my!” and she proceeds to pull out roll upon roll of red tape.

 

Nancy:  “Boy, it appears that in order to get our disaster money we’re going to have to get through all this Government red tape.”

  

            Well…  is Elvis really dead?  And just who called the Government if the phone lines were down?  Isn’t someone taking an awful lot of liberties with this story?

 

            Tune in again tomorrow when you’ll hear Warren Peace read an official Government Letter addressed to the townspeople of Oak Valley.

 

 

 

OAK VALLEY

Episode 20 (I think - I've lost track)

 

 

            Because you are so late checking your e-mail we are joining our story already in progress.

 

Warren:  “…the letter goes on to say that in order to qualify for the Government disaster money Oak Valley has to build an entire housing development that will solely be used within the established guidelines as set and developed for the Witness Protection Program.  We are restricted to “Main Street” as the only authorized street name, no matter how many streets our new sub-division may have, every fourth street light is to be broken, as to resemble an actual neighborhood.  The start up of new businesses in town is highly encouraged.  Small government-issue toys will be sent to us to be left here & there on neighborhood sidewalks.  And then it goes on to say that all forms listed on page 23 must be filled out in triplicate and submitted along with no less that three (3) local contractor bids on building the new witness protection housing.”

 

The Townspeople:  “Murmur, murmur, murmur.”

 

Wanda Loop:  “Just what does this all mean, Mayor?  Is the Government going to help Oak Valley to rebuild?  Or what?”

 

Warren:  “Wait, there’s more.  It says here that although after completion we will have an authorized Witness Protection Housing development we should take note that there are not enough criminals to go around and that we must petition for the type of criminals we want and even though we list them in order of Most Wanted we will be competing against other communities of our size.”

 

Nancy Pheopaw:  “Mr. Mayor, what are we going to do with all this red tape?”

 

Warren:  “I believe our first plan should be to get these forms filled out and get them submitted.  Someone go and find Judy.  We need to reunite her with her twin sisters.  If anyone will be good at filling things out in triplicate it will be Judy, Judy, Judy.”

 

  

            Well…  does Oak Valley have 3 local contractors?  And just what will they call this new housing development anyway?  Broken Arms?  Tune in again next week when we’ll hear Mahatma Koat, Oak Valley’s High llama, say, “Try to imagine a world where there are no hypothetical situations.”

 

 

 

 

OAK VALLEY

Please Stand By…

 

 

            Sorry for the dead air space but the construction in Oak Valley severed our communication lines and we were out of business for some time.  As you can all see, we’re back J

 

            Oak Valley will once again return for your viewing pleasure.  It is unfortunate, however, that all the really good, and clever stuff happened during this unforeseen down time.  We anticipate episode 21 will be sent out in…

 

5…  4…  3…  2…

 

  

 

Episode 18

Oak Valley 

 

 

            Well…  As we left our friendly little community the Flounder’s Day Parade was just about to head down Main Street.  What you may not have noticed were the gloomy and blustery weather conditions quickly forming just behind the GrapeKnee High Marching Band.  As it happened, Phil Harmonic, the band leader had just tossed his twirling baton up in the air to get things started.  It was at that precise moment that the gale force winds sent his baton, not to mention many of the more loosely tied band uniforms, flying down Main Street.

 

            It was then that the townspeople who had trained for just such a storm went into action.  Shop keepers headed for their stores and closed them up tight.  Truckers, cab drivers, delivery boys, and crossing guards headed for the trailer park to help pull all the trailers into a circle.  (John Wayne was a big influence on the town elders). 

 

The Flounder’s Day festivities would be put off until next year.  As the big storm rolled through Oak Valley it snapped phone lines and kicked up dirt into people’s eyes.  The high winds blew apart old man Gray’s house, sending the lifelong pile of old razor blades that had long laid silent in the wall behind his medicine cabinet hurling through the air only to nick him once again.

 

            “W.O.A.K. is in the air.  Here is the latest storm damage update from W.O.A.K. 1390 on your radio dial.

 

 This is Earl Nunseeate back at you with our top story.  Well, from all reports folks, the large area just west of the Canon that we have been trying to plant, and trying to plant, all these years (what’s come to be called the seedy side of town) was hit the hardest by today’s storm.  I guess it’s lucky for us that there wasn’t anything planted there.”

 

            ...and so it remains true; Everybody talks about the weather, but…  (I can’t do it) 

 

Tune in again tomorrow when we’ll hear a SPECIAL message from Warren Peace.

 

Warren:  “Why do I have to wait until tomorrow?”

 

Announcer:  “Because.”

 

Warren:  “Because isn’t an answer.  What’s going on here?  You know, I’ve got a contract.”

 

Announcer:  “Look, see me after they shut off their computers, ok?”

 

Warren:  “Fine.  Fine fine, fine.”

 

 

Cardinals sing hymns

 

 

What must it be like

To live in the trees

Hold tight with your hands

And bend with the breeze

 

The first on your block

To know when it rains

With a Birdseye view

Of what flows to the drains

 

What must it be like

On a warm summer’s day

With no place to be

And no bills to pay

 

With a tune in your head

From a long-ago time

In a tree that your neighbor

Finds too hard to climb

 

What must it be like

With nothing to dust

No mud on your shoes

Or salty white crust

 

So close to the clouds

They get in your nose

So far from the ground

You can’t stub your toes

 

What must it be like

To sit on a limb

Where Robins sing melodies

Cardinals sing hymns

 

I know what it’s like

with the aid of the fence

climbed up here last Friday

 been stuck ever since.

 

 

zc  



Episode 17

OAK VALLEY

 

The Search for Spot

 

            The place, Oak Valley Cleaners:  The time, oh, just a few minutes ago.  Scott Guard, owner of OVC had just flipped the front door sign over to read OPEN.  It was Saturday morning and just like always he would be open from 8 until noon.

 

            Just down the block little Tommy was riding his bike while tossing The Running Sap Morning Edition at each front door along Main.  Sparky lay still sleeping, curled up next to the old fire truck at the station.  Then, just as the narrator of this story was about to tell you something really good the little silver bell started to tinkle over the Valley Cleaners door.

 

            It was Pat Pending, Oak Valley’s most eccentric resident.  He was an inventor who lived just out past Wanda’s dress shop.

 

Pat:  “Scott, Scott!  You back there?”

 

Scott:  “Hold on, I’m coming.  What is it?  Oh, hi Pat, what brings you out so early?”

 

Pat:  “I think I’ve struck on something and there’s nobody awake in this town to tell.  I saw your lights on and headed this way.”

 

Scott:  “Well what is it?  What did you invent this time?”

 

Pat:  “Here, watch this…”

 

            Pat held out a white pillowcase.  Then he took a small plastic squeeze bottle from his pocket and squeezed a drop of the brown fluid onto the pillowcase.  As the two men stood watching another person entered the cleaners.  It was none other then Wanda Loop.

 

Wanda:  “Pat, here you are.  I heard you making all kinds of commotion this morning.  What’s going on?”

 

Scott:  “Here, look at this.”

 

            Scott, Wanda, and Pat stood staring at the small brown spot on the pillowcase.

 

Wanda:  “Looks like you got a spot on your pillowcase.  What did you get on it anyway?”

 

Pat:  “This,” he said, showing her the plastic bottle.

 

Scott:  “What’s it going to do?”

 

Pat:  “Look, there it goes.”

 

            As the three watched, the pillowcase turned paisley.  All over and all at once, the white pillowcase transformed right before them.

 

Scott:  “WOW!  Look at that!”

 

Wanda:  “That’s incredible.  You’ve invented liquid paisley!”

 

Pat:  “Yes, but I think I’m too late for the paisley craze.  You know, that was back in the 60”s.”

 

Scott:  “Yeah, you’re right.  What else you got?”

 

            Meanwhile…  Across town, Stubby Bristle, the town street sweeper, follows the long winding curb, his swirling brushes sweeping up the occasional pop can, litter and the occasional table.  He was getting the town ready for the upcoming Oak Valley Parade.  For today is Flounder’s Day.  The original founder of Oak Valley was a North Canadian fisherman, who came up Meadow Muffin Lake - hooked himself a flounder for his lunch and then took a nap.

 

            Every year Oak Valley has a parade down Main Street to celebrate this great day.  This year’s parade was going to be special, as now, for the first time; Oak Valley has a marching band.  The Grapeknee High Marching Band, dressed in their hospital gown uniforms that tie in the back will be playing their brand new instruments from Oak Rental, as led by Phil Harmonic, Grapeknee High’s newly hired bandleader.

 

 

            Well…  will Pat Pending’s paisley pillowcase pose problems?  And, what will the Marching Band be playing in their hospital gown uniforms --- Seventy-Sick Trombones?.

 

            So, tune in again tomorrow, actually later this afternoon, when you’ll hear Dolores Loop say, “Plaggen-hoffen, Ump Pa Pa, Ump Pa Pa.”

 

 

 

 

 

Episode 16

OAK VALLEY

The Trial

 

            Erick Foster, who is representing Massy Ferguson, in Oak Valley’s biggest (and only ever) trial has begun the long process of selecting a jury.

 

Erick:  “I’ll take THAT jury over there your Honor.”

 

Judge Carmine Miranda-Wrights:  “Ok, well we got that out of the way.  What’s next?”

 

Three days later… as the trial continues…

 

Erick:  “Judy, have you ever had cause to be treated by the Hospital since they moved into the Sears Home and Garden Center?”

 

Judy:  “Yes.  I was in Lay-away as an outpatient.”

 

Erick:  “How would you describe the level of care you were given?”

 

Judy:  “Well, I used to be Siamese Triplets until I went there and had the other two Judy’s removed and I just charged it.”

 

Erick:  “You mean…”

 

Judy:  “Yes, I used to be Judy, Judy, Judy.”

 

Judge:  “You may step down and thank you for your time, Judy.  Ladies and gentleman please note for the record that Judy is wearing a tan pantsuit, brown pumps with a matching leather handbag,  She has chosen to accent her hairstyle with a…”

 

Erick:  “Excuse me Judge but this is not a beauty contest.  Can we get on with it -please?”

 

Judge:  “Oops, sorry, force of habit.”

 

Noel Contendere, the Defense Lawyer:  “Excuse me your Honor but I believe I can save a lot of the Court’s time if you’ll permit me to call just one person to the stand.”

 

Judge:  “Ok.”

 

Noel:  “Your Honor, I call Erick Foster to the stand.”

 

The Crowd:  “Murmur, murmur, murmur,”

 

Bailiff:  “Erick, raise your right hand.  Your other right.  Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?”

 

Erick:  “Hey!  I’m a lawyer.”

 

Bailiff:  “Ok, close enough.”

 

Noel:  “Now, Mr. Foster, you are attempting to prove negligence on the part of Sears Home and Garden Center and Oak Valley General Hospital simply because instead of placing a barcode on Mr. Ferguson’s forehead that reflected a back injury he was instead labeled as discontinued.  Would you please point to the barcode that represents a back injury?”

 

Erick:  “I’m not sure I …”

 

Noel:  “Ok, Mr. Foster, then point to the barcode that represents $24.99.”

 

Erick:  “Here, this one.”

 

Noel:  “Nope, not even close.  That’s the barcode for Hives.  Your Honor, I believe this entire case should be thrown out.  This man calls himself a lawyer but as you can see he can’t even pass the Bar Examination.”

 

 

            And so it came to be…  Judge Carmine Miranda-Wrights declared Judy to be Miss Trial and then went to Tampa with the jury.  (Sorry)  Oak Valley’s day in court had come and gone.  Massy Ferguson went back to the farm.  Sears Home and Garden Center, along with the Oak Valley General Hospital staff, went back to work and poor Erick…  Erick promptly quit his Law practice and once again became a Squeegee Guy, cleaning the windshields of Oak Valley drivers as they stopped for the light at First and Main.

 

            Well…  Tune in again tomorrow, when we’ll, “Hey!  Look up in the sky.  It’s a bird… it’s a plane…  it’s…

 

            “Hey!  You missed a spot.”