Dear Inmate

A note to the Warden.

I am leaving it up to you to select someone as my pen pal.  I do not know anyone in your prison and am not familiar with any cases.  My only request is that you pick someone nice.  They should have a good sense of humor, be non-violent, and preferably innocent.

I am not worried about spelling or grammar, as my own spelling is often wobbly and sometimes my punctuation is only implied. 

Warden notes continued.

Okay, I thought of some more stuff.  Whoever you pick should bathe on a regular basis.  I know that as a pen pal body odor shouldn’t be an issue.  Its just that my cousin Ned has a tendency to stink, and that has always influenced my opinion of him, so just to avoid that whole thing, I’m thinking we just get that out of the way up front.  Hair too, that should be neat and clean. 

Unless, of course, they are bald.  That doesn’t bother me.  If they don’t have any hair, that’s Okay.  It isn’t like I’ll ever see a picture of them…

Will I?  

Could you send me a picture of the person you pick?  No, never mind.  Just by reading their letters, over time I should get a mental image of what they look like.  An actual picture might have been taken right when they were getting wrongly accused.  You know, they wouldn’t be smiling and may even make me think they are always grumpy.  

Did I say, no grumpy?  If I didn’t, I should have.  My pen pal should be happy and smiling, but not manically.  I don’t want sinister. I doubt if someone sinister could write happy, peppy letters.

 

That reminds me…  Maybe you could send a history of their life, you know, up to the time they got wrongly accused and stopped smiling.  No, on second thought, it might be better if I don’t know anything about them.  Well, their name of course, and maybe if they have brothers and sisters.  That might be Okay to know.  

And that’s another thing, how much should I be telling them about me?  I mean, if it turns out they are sinister or maniacal, I don’t want them plotting to get me. 

You know, maybe this whole thing isn’t that much of a good idea.  No, I can’t think like that.  I trust you to pick out someone nice and non-plotting.  

I’m assuming you got that job because you were good at knowing stuff.  Maybe even you, yourself are bald.  That doesn’t matter.  You could still pick a pen pal out of a crowd.

While I’m thinking of it, I don’t want anyone who is studying law.  

I know enough not to trust lawyers, so I certainly don’t want to be a pen pal with someone who aspires to become one.  No offence.  I mean, even you could turn out to be a lawyer.  How would I know?  I have read enough books, written by lawyers, to know that even they don’t like being around themselves.  

Yes, I know – there could be some nice ones out there somewhere, but why take a chance? That’s what I say.  Why risk it?

More Warden notes:

Here’s what I’m thinking…  Just send me your roster of prisoners and I’ll pick one myself.  That way you won’t get blamed if I get a dud. 

No, that’s probably not a good plan.  Let’s leave it that you pick one for me.  By now you must have an idea of what I’m looking for.  They should be someone who likes to write, has time on their hands, and would like getting letters from me.

Yikes, I never thought of that before. 

What if they don’t like me?  Maybe their idea of a pen pal is way different than mine.  How’s any of this going to work?

Warden, you may need to have an interview process.  You could explain what you know about me, and when you’re done, just pick someone from those who didn’t leave the room while you were speaking.

Would that work? 

Warden?

Hello?