The contents of this handbook are
intended for those having achieved spy status.
If you are an ordinary citizen and are not in the spy business please
return this book to your local bookstore.
Place the handbook facedown on the counter and say, "There are too many fat pelicans."
At this point in
time one of two things will happen.
They will either issue store credit for the value of the handbook or
they won't believe that you are not a spy and you may be placed in the trunk
of a Buick Skylark.
If you find yourself
in the trunk of a Buick one of two things will happen but we'll come back to
that later.
OK, so you're a
spy. Congratulations. I'm very happy for you. Over the course of your working life you will
be referring to various sections of this book and you may not always be in the
best of positions at the time.
Therefore it has been laid out so it can be easily read with a small
flashlight or in momentary bits by a lit match.
Do not lose this
book. Do not lend it to anyone, even if
they too are spies. Do not accidentally
return it to your local library. This
copy is water resistant for up to 4.3 seconds; so unless you are a
speed-reader do not allow this handbook to become wet.
Page 68 is made from
Vanadium. It will withstand the impact
of a 9mm bullet fired at close range.
If you keep this handbook in the breast pocket of your official spy
dinner jacket, (not the blue one) then this bulletproof protection will be
directly over your heart. Note: The impact will still knock you down. The odds are that you may hit your head
during the fall and the possibility exists that bones may be broken. Should any of the above occur, refer to page
188, Spy Insurance – benefits & claims.
Because you are
expected to carry this handbook with you at all times the front and back cover
of the book have been slightly inflated with hydrogen for your comfort; be
careful not to puncture them. Should
your cover be blown you may purchase cover replacements through Spy Supplies,
Inc. No checks will be accepted from
spies with blown covers.
If upon graduation
from spy school you were issued a standard 1187 identification badge,
laminated with pocket clip, you did not really graduate. They were just trying to let you down
easy. Spies do not wear I.D.
badges. Please return this handbook to
your local bookstore. Place it facedown
on the counter and say,
“There are too
many fat pelicans.”
Chapter 1
Blending In
If you were paying attention in spy
school you learned that blending in to your surroundings is a key element to
survival. The last thing you want to do
is to go out of your way to avoid looking like a spy. That's a dead giveaway. It is recommended that you purchase your
clothes from,
(Advertisement)
Sorry but due to budget restraints and
departmental cutbacks we have had to sell advertising space within this
handbook to help offset printing costs.
Blending in with your surroundings is not
limited to clothing. As outlined in your
first year textbook, 'It's you. It's
you. You were given several examples and story problems to solve. This handbook has been harmonized with that
outline in that key phrases should spark your memory, thus allowing us a
greater economy of words. (This too
helps to reduce printing costs). To this
end, the following have been designed to assist you in remembering your blend techniques.
1.
Unless it's a life
jacket never wear orange.
2.
One sock up, one
sock down - bend to fix it - look around.
3.
Slip knots,
slipknots, great for ties - when you dress in your disguise.
4.
Roses are red,
violets are blue - Don't wear your class ring from old Spy
U.
This page is designed to sharpen your decoding
skills.
Unicorns never play accordions. Sam lives west of the bridge. Every other day it seems to rain. - On the back of the label there is a
coupon. Notice the flowers along 8th Avenue Mary took off her shoes. -
Tempo is another stumbling block for unicorns. Westerly winds are warmer this time of
year. Otto drove his Volvo across the
bridge into Norway
Once you have
decoded the above -
write the
secret message here.
__________________________________________
_____________________________________________
_____________________________________________
_____________________________________________.
Note:
If you
actually wrote the secret message on the above lines, please stop now. Find a different profession. Be a sales clerk or a politician but for
Pete sake get out of the spy business and return this book - face down, "fat
pelicans, yada, yada, yada."
Things
Only in the movies
"Let's meet at the old,
abandoned warehouse."
"Trust me."
The bad guy will spout off
three paragraphs of dialog
before pulling the trigger.
This spy handbook is a work in progress.
You have just read the beginning pages.
Do not discuss this book with anyone.
When you leave here make sure that you are not being followed.
If the mashed potatoes taste funny leave them. Move on to the carrots.
Quondo Omni Flunkus Mortati
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