Dear Lawyers

 

You studied hard and passed the bar and now have been released into the wild.

You walk amongst us, dressed as would a professional.

You speak in complete sentences and articulate clearly your intentions.

You have the appearance of a normal person.  At social gathering you blend in.

It is only when you are in a running motion, breathing heavy, sweating to catch up to the ambulance that we can actually see your scales.

In your effort to warn and caution people of possible hazards, you have forced drug manufacturers to use over-sized pill bottles just so the warning labels can accommodate all potential situations, in every language.

It is because of you, the cost of a new car far exceeds people’s ability to buy one.

Your actions have altered children’s toys to the point of giving choking hazards a bad name.

Smokers no longer feel free to strike a match without first closing the cover.

As a result of your actions, the technology now required to buckle yourself in to an amusement ride cost the same as strapping an astronaut into a space capsule.

Over time, you have stretched and manipulated the English language to such a degree that someone must hire another lawyer just to read what you have written.

You have made it to be the case that doctor’s offices are now run by insurance companies.

Lawyers have become so toxic and abrasive that now – in addition to fences around law schools, they have moats and sneeze guards.

The simple act of using an emergency gas can requires three hands and impressive strength.

Even now, as you’re going through this, you are thinking about billing me for reading it.

 

Good-luck with that.