Ashtray, Wisconsin

 

It won’t turn up on a Google search, and Rand McNally has never been there, but it is a very real and vibrant place.  The name, a translation from the Blackfoot Indians, means ashtray.  Ashtray, Wisconsin has gift shops, but no post cards.  They have drug stores that still have soda fountains, where for 35 cents you can get a chocolate milkshake or a Cherry Coke for a quarter.

The Ashtray Hardware is run by Fred BB Miller.  As a young child growing up in Ashtray, Fred was stung 43 times by a freak bumble bee attack.  When it was clear that Fred was out of danger from dying from the stings, his school chums gave him the nickname of Bumble Bee.  As Fred grew into adulthood, his nickname became shortened to BB.  There is a wall plaque behind the cash register showing the newspaper clipping of Fred with 43 welts on his face.

There is one laundry on Main Street, next to Hops Chinese Restaurant, but don’t call expecting Linda to recite the daily specials, as some of their menu options have changed.  

Just outside of town is a Cracker Barrell with a Ford dealership expected to take over the property kitty-corner.  Ashtray Chevrolet, north of the Interstate had no comment when questioned about Ford moving so close to town.  

Beside its somewhat hidden location, the other oddity about Ashtray is they do not have any local government.  There is no Mayor, no Counsel members, and no Police Chief.  They do have an all-volunteer fire department.  All members had to buy their own walkie-talkies and equipment.  There is one firehouse, two trucks, one of which is almost all paid for.

Only one volunteer firefighter has ever been fired.  Ned Lariby, was asked to resign after hearing a rumor of a housing boom, panicked and jumped into Engine #1, and crashed it into the massive Oak tree in town. 

Note:

A Native American historian from Cambridge University has determined the translation of the Blackfoot word for ashtray, really indicates an urn, or funeral vessel and not an ashtray, as previously thought. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Even in Cemeteries

 

There are bad neighborhoods

One day in class

 

Don’t look down at the keyboard.

 

Place your fingers like this.

 

Put your index finger here, these fingers here…

 

Don’t look down.  You should be able to type without watching your fingers.

 

Use your little finger to, DON’T look down, now I mean it.

 

Okay, type the sentence I have up on the board.

 

The Quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog.  Now you try it.

 

Yjr Wixk, nroqn doz humped ploer rje hazy frog.

 

Okay, maybe YOU should look down.

We're going to need a bigger boat

            I’m not a mainstream movie-goer.  The vast majority being violent and or vulgar tend to be a great cure for any popcorn craving I might have.  I avoid them all, as well as any movies about animals.  Hollywood has always fallen short of compassion and doesn’t hesitate to show Nature’s less attractive side as a form of entertainment.

 

            I do, however, pick up on famous movie lines even if I’ve never seen the movie.  They become popular and bandied about by the general public; they are referenced in general conversations and over time even people like me find themselves using them.

 

            Exactly what it is that catapults a line or phrase to stardom eludes me.  Perhaps it is the momentary comic relief in the story that lets the audience relax for a moment.  They get to step back from the action and remind themselves that it’s only a movie, these are actors and no one is really getting chopped up by some crazed lunatic zombie.  

 

            Then again maybe it is simply marketing.  Maybe the catch phrase is designed into the overall selling strategy.  It is put into the trailer and run and rerun to generate interest.  Tossing the line out into the general pool just knowing that the fish will bite and once they’re hooked… Box office receipts skyrocket.

 

            Frankly my dear – I don’t give a damn.  We don’t need no stinken badges. We’ll always have Paris, and the thing you gotta ask yourself is, do you feel lucky?  Well do ya? What we have here is a failure to communicate, and you know Toto – I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore.  The thing is, I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take this anymore, but I love the smell of napalm in the morning. We rob banks, but after all, tomorrow is another day.  Well I’ve dragged this out long enough, so here’s looking at you kid.  May the force be with you.

 

 

            Hasta la vista, Baby

To all the Teachers

 

When windows frost

on a winter’s day,

Remember bits of yesterday –

and all the teachers

who'll never see,

how I’ve become the perfect me.

A Little Peace and Quiet

 

My mind comes along on walks with me.  It doesn’t seem to matter where, it could be a stroll through town or a hike out in the country – no matter where, there it is thinking its thoughts, rambling on and on about something.

I really should have it on a leash.  It has been known to snag an idea and just run with it.  Eventually it will find its way back, but who knows what it has picked up along the way, and suddenly I find myself back at the car and can’t remember anything I’ve seen.

One of these times I’m going to leave it at home and just go by myself.

You have your Mother's eyes

 

It is possible

 

to spend too much time in school.

Welcome, but...

 

How did you find me -

how did you know?

I stay out of the light,

I type quiet and slow –

I thought I was hidden

tucked under this maze

of twitters and tweeters

and that whole Facebook craze,

Did somebody tell you –

have you come very far?

I thought I was stealthy

below the radar,

I write when I’m sober

I eat over the sink –

I’ve not dropped a crumb

at least, I don’t think…

So how did you find me

I’m not listed in books –

Did you simply go fishing

using unsharpened hooks –

My rhymes are atrocious

my meter expired –

I’d never be drafted

selected or hired –

With clothes out of fashion

and minimal hair –

In a line-up they’d pick

that guy over there.

Did you stand on the shore

and cast out a line -

with hopes that the blog

you caught would be mine?

Just how did you find me

my nerves frayed and wrought 

it's one in a million

I'd ever get caught. 

Really.  Who looks up Zobostic?

 

 

 

 

 

Relax

 

Have a drink.

Newton's Law of R's

 

R's flowing East, left undisturbed 

will continue to flow East,

in spite of U. 

The Thing About Joe

 

The thing about Joe wasn’t something easily seen by the other children, and only one of his teachers noticed it. Joe had a gift that was almost an obsession and although he didn’t really articulate it, Joe knew he was very different from his little friends.

 

          It first blossomed in math class.  Joe’s teacher, Linda Jayborn, had handed out Tuesday’s exam like she always had, but this time it was filled with story problems.  She pretty much knew all of her students and how they were doing in class, but it came as quite a surprise as she sat at home that night grading the tests and saw Joe’s paper.

 

          Not only had Joe solved the math problems, but he had also added pages to each of the stories.  Linda was amazed at his creativity and humor.  She laughed and snickered as she read each story, and she knew in an instant that Joe was a very special boy.  She was busting to show the other teachers, especially Joe’s English instructor, Mary Elliott.  In fact, she began to wonder if Mary already knew.

 

          Linda went back to the beginning of Joe’s pages just to read the first story problem again.

 

          A train left Boston at 3 PM.  It was traveling at 70 MPH heading for Tulsa.  Also, at 3 PM, a train left Tulsa heading for Boston, traveling at 81 MPH.  Which train would be closer to Boston when they reached Columbus, Ohio?

 

Joe’s Answer – Page 1

 

          Columbus, Ohio is exactly the half-way point between Tulsa and Boston, so the trains would be an equal distance to Boston.  That, however, is not the problem.  The conductor on the Tulsa line, Ned Parker, unbeknownst to his immediate supervisor, has been undergoing treatment for his addiction to Gummy Bears.  The Cherokee Railroad employee manual is quite specific with respect to addictions of any kind.  Even though, on weekends, Ned plays baseball on the Cherokee Railroad league, if this issue came out it would be his third strike.

Teacher's comments;

Joe, I appreciate your efforts but does it make sense that one train was going faster than the other and yet they both reached Columbus at the same time?   And although it has been clinically proven that there are addictive properties in Gummy Bears, Ned's conversations with his counselor would be considered privileged, vis-à-vis the landmark case of Orlando vs Nabisco 1967 ?  Really Joe, get your act together or you'll find yourself repeating the 5th grade.   

C -

You can do better

 

 

Magnetized

 

Shown here:

Wood shavings from a

dissimilar tree cling to this polarized Elm.

Doesn't it seem like...

 

all the water should drain to the left?

It felt like a lost cause

 

Looking at it from our boat

I knew we were sailing straight at the moon

but it felt like we'd never reach it.

I would be willing to bet

 

He didn't look like this at the job interview.

February 14th

 

In the News

 

Stupid lives on paper

that is,

or so I’m told –

In front page news

with bolder print

just above the fold,

 

Crazy finds its way to you

sometimes,

in awful rage –

Though its great

for warning others,

or the bottom

of the cage,

 

I have no use for papers

I’ll keep

my 20 cents –

You can place your

stupid crooks

in obits,  please

past tense.

zc

 

 

Time Poorly Wasted

 

Are you sure this is the best way

to spend your time?

I've not had anything significant to say

since...

Anyway, try reading a book or something.

 

I don't recommend it

 

  People consider socks.  

                   They contemplate shoes.  

   There are those who make choices based upon design

                       rather than comfort. 

      A few – based totally on an absence of thought, 

                 go barefoot.

                     I cannot recommend it.

Their bite glands are activated by the scent of toes.

Squirrel Cam

 

Getting him to wear it was not hard.

Getting him to give it back 

was something else altogether.

Some of my Favorites

 

“Hats are wasted on a man with no head.”

 

“They couldn’t find the artist, so they hung the painting.”

“In Mexico we have a word for sushi – bait.”

 

 

Hackers Beware

 

Just under that rock

with the rest of the slime

with the beetles and roaches alike –

Hides a mental defective

that feeds off of crime

and cries cuz he can’t ride a bike.

 

There in the darkness

A hacker there be,

who spoils what’s fun for the good –

should you find him

A slobs is just what you’ll see

no sparkplugs under his hood.

 

I’ll see you one day

past tense I’ll have strode –

our bumping will be caught on cam

I won’t say excuse me

because now it is knowed

You’re a hacker – that’s just how I am.

 

 

 

Mondays

 

I used to hate Mondays

as weekdays they’re losses -

They were filled with moronic

grumpy-face bosses –

But then I retired

each day is the same –

just me floating around

getting close to the drain –

I’d like to feel useful

There should be a need –

for something I’d write

that you’d like to read,

So send me a topic

A hint or a clue –

I’ll run it through spell-check

and polish it too –

You may get it crumpled

and smelling of gin –

but you’ll not get it Monday

cuz I’m sleeping in.

 

 

 

Removed by the Good Taste Police

Go home.

Nothing to see here, folks.

Two Steps Above Paradise

 

Often called Florida’s Hidden Gem, The Outside Inn is like no other.  Your journey begins when you land at the airport, for once your reservations are confirmed a driver is assigned to pick you up in one of the Inn’s Bentleys.  

No taxis are allowed on the premises.   In this way, the comings and goings are controlled, thus reducing noise and disturbances to the other guests, and this car and driver are at your disposal for your entire stay.

Ever since their opening 18 years ago, the employee turnover rate has been zero.  Every employee is part owner, each is trained in advanced first aid and has a concierge’s knowledge of the area.

Whether you have selected a private cabin or the main guest house, your room has been equipped with the snacks and beverages you pre-selected on your reservation card.  That is the same with music.  At your request, your personal space can be filled with your favorite selections, which cannot be heard beyond your walls.

Daily meals are served either in the main facility or may be delivered to your room at a time of your choosing.

 

As is the policy of the Inn, gratuities are discouraged.

 

Reservations: 800-288-8372

Amenities

2 Swimming pools

14 miles of hiking trails

Exercise room

Conference room

Golf carts & Segways

24 hour cafeteria

Nurse's station

Paddle boats & canoes 

Cell phone charging stations

Security building

 

 

 

Stump Speech

 

It is only through indecisiveness that I meander at these crossroads.  I can neither be influenced by political antics, nor strong-arm innuendo.  My wishy-washiness remains steadfast, for no other reason than I cannot choose between that which promises uncertainty or that which professes loudly, their lack of conviction.

I could not, in all good conscience, run for any office claiming to do good for one side and not the other.  Mankind has no divisions.  There aren’t winners and losers, there is no good verses evil.  Within any political arena exists only evil.  Greed is an inherent trait of man and cannot be isolated or quarantined for any specified duration.  Each of us carries our baggage as we travel.  It may, on occasion, be stacked at the bellboy’s stand, but eventually a sour note will be heard within the harmony and no amount of flag waving will squelch it.

 Luggage will burst open, strangers passing through the lobby will scream at the sight of it, and children…  Well, who knows what children will do?   Okay, so maybe children under five eat free, but other than that, who knows?

Should, someday, a person stand before me, worthy of my vote, I will know them at a glance.  Their face will show the reflections of honesty, while their shadow will be void of a past.  They will be strong of muscle and character.  Their hair, if any, shall succumb to the force of gravity, their shoes will reflect a well-traveled independence.  Compassion will guide their moral compass, with gummy bears their one indulgence.

zc

 

 

Bits of Thought

 

I was second chair in the harmonica section of the Boston Philharmonic when one day I happened to notice…

 

Neal, in calculating the height of the Portland Elm growing in his yard, reported to his insurance company, that should the tree fall in the direction of his house, the only damage would be to his…

 

Mary had driven for 9 straight hours and was now finding it very difficult to stay awake.  One of the things she tried to do in order to not fall asleep was to identify the hallucinations from the actual monsters crossing the highway.  In the police officer’s report, he mentioned that the monster she hit was not a hallucination.

 

There were days when you could stand at one end of the circuit board assembly line and just watch the curls of smoke rise up from the soldering irons.  It was hypnotizing and looked a lot like…

 

Unfortunately, it wasn’t me who didn’t apply himself in school, it was the instructors.  They had this knack of seeing us as sheep.  Those of us painted with a red X on our backs were prematurely led down the ramp to oblivion.

 

This was the only storage facility I could find to place these few bits of thought.

I’ll probably move them later.  Sorry for the inconvenience. 

zc

 

 

 

...and now you know.

 

There was a sailor who loved sailing.  He was on a great ship assigned to patrol Lake Erie.  They would spend their days sailing around the shores.  They would travel over to there, way around here and even across to over there.  Once in a great while they would come over to this spot, but it seemed whenever they did, they would encounter pirates.

 Captain Q. enjoyed having a well-seasoned crew and knew they would do well in battle.  He only had one new recruit. He always referred to him as Swab, or sometimes, Swabbie, but usually just Swab.

It was during one of these battles that Captain Q. noticed that Swab became startled and almost jump out of his skin whenever the cannons were fired.  He even overheard Swabbie, in the lunchroom, telling some of the other sailors that he was having bad dreams, terrible dreams, with cannons exploding and shaking the deck of the ship when they did.

Although a little out of character, one day as Captain Q. was making his rounds, he passed by Swabbie.  Now keep in mind, the Captain had never spoken to his men directly, he had always used the chain of command.  This day, however, and I remember this part well, the sun was out, it was about 72° with a slight breeze out of the West.  Anyway, Captain Q. stopped when he got to Swab and he leaned over and said,

          “Try putting cotton in your ears whenever we’re in battle.”

Well, needless to say, Swabbie didn’t know what to think.  He was nervous that the Captain had spoken to him directly, and yet impressed that the Captain even knew he existed.  He didn’t know what to do.  Should he brag to his friends that the Captain spoke to him directly, or should he keep quiet, knowing that even the Captain had noticed the canons scared him to death.

Swab decided to keep quiet, but that night he had awful dreams.  His thoughts were running wild.  Just like the ship, his dreams ran over to here, then way over there and back to down around this spot.  By morning he sat in his bunk just trying to piece it all together.  What did it all mean? Erie, Swab, cannons, explosions, cotton… 

 

And that, dear fun seeker, is how and who invented the cotton swab.  Which, by the way, became known as a Q-Tip.

In The News

 

Flame Storage Facility Springs a Leak

Ashtray, Wisconsin

Call the Exterminator

 

Mice under the cupboard

Photo by: W.W.

Early Warning

 

The day began with a gentle breeze.  The wind seemed mostly calm, out of the East and held no sign of danger to anything or anyone.  By 11 AM the front windows of the Quickie Mart had blown in, the roofs off of several houses along Elm street were gone and power outages were widespread across the county.

While the Mayor was trying desperately to contact the Governor in order to secure the National Guard, local police were attempting to control intersections, as there were no working traffic signals.  The wind now exceeded 80 miles per hour and showed no signs of slowing.

The fire department had already dispatched all of their firetrucks and rescue vehicles and now only Lipton Barns remained at the switchboard.  He had nobody left to send out on a call.  As 911 calls came in, all he could do was take notes, writing down the type of emergency, who called it in, the location and the time of the call.

By 6:20 PM even the communication lines were gone.  Except for the howling of the wind, everything in the fire station was dead quiet.  Lipton had never felt anything so eerie.  He was wishing someone would make their way back into the station, but so far no one had.  He knew he was in a key spot and lives depended on him, but at this moment, there were no procedures to follow, no higher-ups barking commands, there was only him, and now he was just as scared as everyone else.   

Today Lipton would be tested.  He simply had no idea how much.

 

For the past two hours, the phone lines had been silent, and the television in the breakroom was absent of life.  Lipton felt helpless.  He knew there were perhaps a hundred people out there that needed help but who couldn’t call in.  From the window of the side door he could see the glow of fires off in the distance.   He also was feeling very hungry but hesitated to open the refrigerator door, as the power had been out for so long.  Whatever cold was still in there he didn’t want to get out.

Finally consumed with fear and guilt over his inability to help anyone, he walked over to the breakroom sofa and plopped himself down.  I will sit here; I will relax and try to think of what I can do.

He was just a baby step into dreamland when he heard a voice in his left ear.  It was a calm voice, almost soothing.  It didn’t startle him awake but was strong enough for him to hear every word very clearly.

As he listened to the voice, he knew it was longitude and latitude numbers he was being given.  He had a mental image in his mind of a large clock face, but instead of the second-hand making tick sounds as it moved, it sounded like breaths being drawn in and exhaled.  He awoke sweating and with a heightened sense of urgency.

Quickly he scrambled to the large wall map showing the county.  He ran his finger across the top to the longitude mark and then down until he reached the latitude.  For whatever reason, he was having difficulty focusing.  He tried hard to remember what was there.  He even yelled out, “What is it?  What’s here? I can’t think.”

He tried to calm himself down.  He took a step back from the map and tried again to get his thoughts together.

As he stood there he could hear himself breathing quite heavily.  In fact, it made him think of the second hand making its way around the face of the clock, each breath was a tick, each breath landed on a second mark.

It was then he knew.  The location was the fire station.  He dove to the floor and rolled under the breakroom table just as the tornado ripped through.

 

 

 

 

 

It Keeps the Snow Out