Lawn Bumps

My front lawn isn’t flat.  It rolls a little this way and that.  It almost looks like it is a blanket of grass covering something up; like maybe I could lift a corner and peek under it to see what’s under there.  Possibly it’s an earth-sized mattress, with a tag on it that warns against removing the tag.  No, that would be silly.  It must be something important, otherwise why cover it up?

My backyard is flat.  I don’t expect anything is under that.  But the front yard, now that’s interesting.  Maybe next week I’ll get a long, pokey stick and just give gentle, little pokes here and there.  Of course, if something groans or moves, I’ll have a heart attack right there on the spot.  Just thinking about that has already given me the creeps.  Maybe I won’t poke it.

If I knew somebody from a hospital, they’d let be borrow their X-Ray machine.  I could just roll it out onto the lawn, run an extension cord over to an outlet and then turn the thing on.  ZAP!  I’d have a picture of whatever it was.  Not in color, mind you – but a black and white.  And if whatever it is was laying on its side, I still may not be able to tell just from looking at the X-Ray what it is.  I may need to hire an X-Ray Technician. 

Seriously, who’s going to let me borrow their X-Ray machine?  No one, that’s who.  I’m going to need a Plan B.

I know that whatever is under the lawn is sharing the space with tree roots, earth worms, rocks and the not-so lucky coin I lost out there a couple years ago.  It must have worked its way under the grass because in all this time I have never found it.  Maybe some panicked prisoner running through the neighborhood accidently stepped on it with their big convict shoes, pressing it down into the layer just below grass level. 

That’s it! A metal detector, that would do it.  Not as pokey as a stick, and not as cumbersome as a borrowed X-Ray machine.  Okay, next week I’ll go to the Buy More and get a metal detector.  But if they don’t have it right there in the store I won’t order it.  I know from experience it will never show up.  They say they will order it, then after the delivery date has come and gone, they will tell me it’s on back-order.  Weeks will pass.  My beard will grow.  I will either have to shave again or just let it grow.  Once it starts to get too long, I’ll call Buy More Customer Service, because if I go back into the store they wouldn't recognize me.  Anyway, after waiting on the phone an unreasonable amount of time listening to bad music, an employee will answer. 

We will run through all the questions; when did you order it?  Who did you talk to?  What is the inventory number?  By the way, what was it you ordered?

I will explain that it was the Excalibur 5000 Metal Detector, Model#2211, with Velcro straps, ergonomic grips and cup holder.

There will be a long silence on the phone.  Finally, they’ll say,

“You’re not going to use this on lawn bumps, are you?”