Thursday, April 30, 2015

The Driver


The wind bent the branch down and thumped me on the head.

The tire on the Buick rolled the squirrel a squishy dead.

The spirit of the squirrel rose to climb the mighty Oak -

So it wasn’t just the wind that made the branch give me a poke.

 

In remorse  I sold  the Buick - I did it right away.

I’ve never driven anything - ever since that day.

I walk to work, I hike to town, I crawl out of the bars -

And never sit behind the wheel of furry killer cars.

 

My friends and I went golfing, a walking sport indeed.

The air was crisp, the morning cool; there was something in the weeds.

My head was down; my swing was good - for someone short and stocky.

I hit the ball; I missed the moose, unfortunately got Rocky.

 

Wednesday, 03/30/05


 

The roots of the unexpected are woven deep within an unrecognizable tangle of surprise.

I must report that as of Wednesday morning, Mr. Clement Baker remains missing.  His brother has been called in from Portland and the search area has been extended into Snohomish and Skagit Counties. 

Our local paper ran an article about the search and for some odd reason felt obliged to include all of the various crackpot phone reporting's over the past two days.  I myself must admit to having a propensity for humor and not always at appropriate times, however, I believe printing some of the reports they did was in extremely poor taste.  Enough said.

The off chute to Monday’s coastline search was the discovery made by a fellow tugger of a sunken vessel just 6 miles south of the lighthouse.  Dive teams are scheduled to resume investigating the wreckage this weekend, weather permitting.

Early reports suggest that the sunken ship showed up as beeps on the depth finder aboard the Laura-Lynn.   Bill Saunters, Captain of the tug, reported that the bow of the sunken ship very much resembles the front of a Viking Ship.  I find this hard to believe but I will hold my skepticism in check. 

This has been an adventurous week so far, and although it’s good for my Blog I think I’m ready to get back to a simple, quieter routine. 

If I get pictures of the mystery ship I’ll post them here.

Have a great week, and write back when you can.

 

ZC

Habeas Corpus

 
 
 
Rosealetta Guttenberg
the daughter of a lawyer -
had golden locks, a winning smile
and eyes a lovely blue -
but was born without recognizance
and knew not what to do.
 
When suitors would petition
his daughter for to court,
he’d clarify position
and firmly he’d retort,
 
To devolve, he stated bluntly
I expound on my position
I’ll make it brief, and then sum-up
this simple admonition -
 
The rule of perpetuities
the orders and the trust -
must all be met
and in good faith -
or tis your head I’ll bust.
 
Little Wally Klankle
a barrister to be -
said, “Caution Mr. Guttenberg
you can not threaten me.”
 
I believe your admonition
has gone a bit too far -
I shall slap you with a lawsuit -
take you up before the Bar.
 
When all the dust had settled
and recess came their way -
The point was mute - they can't dispute
Miss Demeanor ran away.
 
 
 


Now this one will join them


There are old, worn-out ideas laying about the back rooms of thought.  They haven't been used in years and in most cases aren't even worth thinking about for a second time.  They are fragmented, and without color.  They lack the excitement that sparked their birth.  They simply lay quiet, within the dust that is itself as thick as the cobwebs that surround them.  They remain undisturbed by vision, fragrance or imagination.  

Sometimes, just for fun, I wander around back there.  I kick up the dust and look to see what's under it.  Now and then I'll bend over and pick up an old idea and take a long look at it.  I’ll hold it up and slowly turn it about.  What ever made me think of this, I'll ask myself. 

A lot of them seem to be very stupid.  It makes me feel dumb when I see the little ownership tag hanging from them.   Corwin’s

Yikes.  It doesn't take me long to come running back out. 

 

 

 

 

Thursday, April 16, 2015

Where You Left Off


I discovered where you had left off as you had turned the corner of the page over to mark your place.  It was my intention to read from the beginning, but the book seemed to fall open right at your mark, like it too was waiting to see what happens next. 
 
This, of course, isn’t my first reading of The Undertaking, by Thomas Lynch, (Life studies from the dismal trade) but enough pavement has pasted beneath my feet so reading it again will seem like visiting an old friend. 
 
Since talking with you last I discovered, Smoke Gets in your Eyes, by Caitlin Doughty.  Once you get past the subject matter, I believe you’ll find her approach as refreshing as it is intelligent.  Be sure to also watch her videos on the Internet.  She is a real hoot.

Getting back to Mr. Lynch’s book, I found the bright spot you spoke of on page 151.  It is a quote from Jack Handy – of Deep Thoughts fame. 

 

Instead of having “answers” on a math test,
they should just call them “impressions”, and
if you get a different “impression” so what,
can’t we all be brothers?
 

 
As for the subject matter of both books, immediately after reading I noticed a large bottle of Gordon's, and there was  a strong help-yourself air about the room.


 

Wednesday, April 15, 2015

Insomnia

 
...is an evil plot.
 
 
 
 


Not Yet



A recent mailing glitch sent out the above cards
in error.  If you were one of the many people who
received this card, please do not use it until the
date on the reverse side has past.
 
Your cooperation is greatly appreciated.
 
If, however, you receive this card after
it's expiration date, simply line it out
and write below the line;
 
Not Yet.
 
 
Thank you 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Note: Drawing a line through the expired date prior to receiving the card may
result in activation, in which case - go ahead and use it.


  
 



Tuesday, April 14, 2015

By Reasons of Insanity

  
It began as an idea and quickly evolved into a philosophy.

The premise was sound and immediately adopted.

Its activities take place five days a week and the outcome is not always predictable.

 
There is a general scuffing of shoes and hushed murmurs as participants and guest enter.

An announcement is made and collectively all acknowledge.


Proclamations made with zeal, statements with authority and things are underway.

 
Accusations abound and serious tones quickly snuff out sparks of hope.

 
Elevated objections and excited utterances until admonitions stifle the gathering.

 
Lunch – recess and adjournments interrupt proceedings.

 
Speculations seep out in strained whispers.

 
The collection of 12 sift and probe through rubble, lies and good intentions, all while personalities and egos scrape their already frayed edges.

 
A long awaited statement is announced and fates are sealed.

 
Twelve jurors stand, gathering purses, scarves and identities –

 

They leave as individuals. 

 

Their lives - also forever changed.
 
 

 

 

 

Wednesday, April 8, 2015

The Rub


Had I the wherewithal, I would squeeze an enlightened exposition from this keyboard - then sit back and rejoice in its reading.

The unfortunate truth, however, remains for all to discover within the borders of this three year long blog.  I am forever destined to be a third-rate hack; fumbling with adjectives, tripping over punctuation, all the while sipping on a beverage constructed on a hack’s budget, with olives that have already sunk to the lowest possible depths.  I know because I am down here with them.

I’d like to have the knowledge that lays dormant in my desk calculator as well as that which is glued between the book covers in my library.

Were I to make myself over I believe I would sculpt intelligence first, followed by feet that would be happy in cheap shoes.  I wouldn’t alter my appearance as I’m quite familiar with my reflection and Murphy’s Law.

I would give myself an attention span that would extend far beyond two standard paragraphs and a comprehension worthy of Mensa.   I would avoid plaguing myself with allergies, phobias, and over confidence.  I would add only a dash of charisma, a pinch and a half of ingenuity and maybe two scoops of Mint Chocolate Chip. 

I would reduce my dependence on cookies and chocolate cake, but certainly not eradicate them completely from my diet.  I would attempt to establish a balance of passion in my writing – somewhere between Tennessee Williams and Zelda Fitzgerald. (Although closer to Zelda).  

Given the opportunity, I still wouldn’t request any do-overs in this life.  It is what it is.  I remain satisfied with the time period in which I live, and have learned to accept the inherent inadequacies and shortcomings of the government, as it remains infested with people and therein - lies









 
 
 
 
 



 
 
 
 
 
 
 

 
 

 

Monday, April 6, 2015

Three unicorns and an honest politician walk into a bar


 
It was some time ago that I had set upon a journey to find an honest lawyer.   In great preparation I packed supplies enough for travel into various time zones, through and over considerable elevations and in anticipation of sustained wilderness conditions - I included equipment adequate for survival needs.
 
Knowing that travel, such as on foot, generates an accumulation of dirt, grime and general filth, I also packed the kitchen sink that I might wash frequently.

The entire weight of my backpack resulted in unforeseeable damage to my posture, for which there had been no warning label affixed.

Maybe I shouldn't have filled the sink before I left.

 

 

 

Saturday, April 4, 2015

Hector’s Pelican



               Northwalk stretches along the edge of town between the shoreline and a long row of summer rentals.  It is for the most part just a wooden walkway lined on one side with small tourist shops selling tee shirts, cheese burgers and boating paraphernalia.  The other side, from the pier supports to as far as you can see and then some is the Pacific Ocean, complete with majestic sunsets, some very ugly fish and a smattering of shipwrecks. 


               Morning, noon and night pelicans and seagulls sit atop these pilings watching for fish and snacking on the trail of debris that follows almost every tourist.  The tourists are slobs, they are rude and obnoxious and they spend their vacation money on beach trinkets and crap.  At least that’s the way I feel about it.  The shop owners all contribute to a fund which pays me $68.00 a week to keep the walkway hosed off and free of bird poop.  I am Hector Lemon and I work my magic in the wee hours of the morning, before the joggers and early risers show up and way before the shops set out their signs, tee shirt stands and postcard racks. 


               Lucy Harper owns The Nautical Smile, a gift shop specializing in local paintings and sculptures and she is also Northwalk’s chairperson and my supervisor, so-to-speak.  Any shopkeeper wishing special attention from me or having an issue with their section of the walkway deals with Lucy and she contacts me.  This keeps all confusion and misunderstandings to a minimum.  It is a system that has for several years worked very well. 


               That is until last Monday morning.  That’s when my body was discovered under the wooden walkway down by Beach Burgers.  I had been murdered during those wee hours when I should have been hosing things off and now I can do nothing but watch things unfold, as discoveries and accusations are made, fingers are pointed and officials cart my body off to do who knows what.  I can’t really describe exactly where it is I’m seeing all of this from, I mean as I no longer have a body.  It’s just strange; I see and hear everything but can’t interact with anything.  At least I don’t think I can.  It’s all very new to me, this being dead.


               I don’t feel hungry or pain or even the ocean breeze.  I’m not warm or cold.  I just seem to be here and watching stuff taking place.  It’s sort of cool if you think about it.   Like I know there is an important clue still under the walkway and if they don’t discover it soon the tide will carry it off.  Oh yeah, I can’t smell the ocean either.  Trust me, most days down here not being able to smell what the tide brings in is a good thing.  


               I’m surprised at the number of shop owners who are happy to hear I’m dead.  I thought I was an alright kinda guy.  I did my job, maybe grumbled about the slobs a little too much but hey, how hard is it to hit the trash can from less than a foot away?  Give me a break. 



               What didn’t surprise me is how hard Lucy is taking it.  She and I were tight.  She understood me and I even saw her a few times sweeping up in front of her store so I wouldn’t have to deal with it.  I know she was fond of me just by the way she never ordered me around; I know how some supervisors are – the power goes straight to their head.  They turn into maniacs.  Lucy was cool that way.  She’d explain which area of Northwalk I should concentrate on and that would keep those particular shop owners from getting on her case.  We had a system and it worked.


               The only thing Lucy’s husband did right was to leave her a massive insurance check when he died.  That kind of surprised me.  Even though I never met him, the guy was pretty much a flake in my book but he certainly left her with no worries.  She used to tell me about their house in Del Mar.  It sounded like some mansion up on the cliffs with a view that wrapped all the way around the earth.  The house alone would have brought her enough to live on forever, but his insurance added greatly to that.  I’ll bet if Lucy wanted to she could buy all of Northwalk with the chump change in her purse.


               It’s funny but I don’t feel bad seeing her crying over me.  I don’t seem to have any emotions at all come to think of it.  I’m not happy or sad.  I’m not sure what I am. This is all very odd.  I don’t even care who killed me or why.  It doesn’t appear to matter much.  These detectives though seem to be still worked up about it.  This is their fourth trip back here and this Frank whatshisname is headed back into Lucy’s store – again.   I say it like that because I think he likes her more than he’s trying to solve my case.   It’ll be fun to see how this turns out. 


               I wonder if I get any smarter now or if I stay the same.  It would be cool if I had some special powers I didn’t know about yet.  This is too much to think about.  I think I’ll just watch and see what happens next.



Chapter 1




            The tiny brass bell over the front door bounced about as Frank Lawton entered The Nautical Smile.  Lucy looked up from behind the counter.  She knew why he was there and it wasn’t to purchase a lighthouse painting or ceramic fisherman.  Out of habit Frank pulled out his little notebook and pen but then just as quickly slipped them into the side pocket of his sport coat.  He wasn’t half way across the floor when Lucy spoke.


            “Was there something else you needed detective?”


            Frank stopped short.  He wasn’t sure just how honest he should be right now.  He had never been much of a smooth talker when it came to women and just blurting out that he liked her and wanted to take her to dinner was pushing him way out of his comfort zone, not to mention all very awkward should she be put off by the thought of it.


            “Is this about Hector?”


            “No, Miss Harper, it isn’t.”  He waited for her to jump in and say, call me Lucy, but she didn’t.  “I was wondering if you might be…”


            Suddenly someone else was speaking.  He looked over to his left and there were two customers he hadn’t even noticed when he had walked in.  One was holding up a small painting of a sailboat and was asking if they could buy it without the frame.


            Lucy looked at Frank for a second and then over to the two ladies.  “No, I’m sorry.  The paintings are sold as you see them.  In fact that particular artist puts great effort into making sure there is a seamless flow between their work and the presentation of it.”


            The customer wrinkled her nose at it and set it back down.  Suddenly Frank felt very awkward as he was still standing mid-shop and hadn’t advanced in either his request or movement.  Lucy looked back at Frank waiting for him to say something.


            “I should come back.  You’re busy.”


            “What do you want detective?”


            Now she sounded annoyed.  As detectives go Frank may not be sharp enough to notice other people in the store when he walks in but he could see in her facial expression the moment she said it she knew it had come out rather harsh. He needed to go for it but not from across the room.  He walked up to the counter and in a much softer voice asked if she would be free for dinner. 

He felt immediately relieved when the words came out but now she was just looking at him like she had to mentally translate Detective into English before she could respond.


            “That would be nice.” She said with a rather pleasant smile.



            The following Friday night Frank found himself sitting across from Lucy sipping his Crown Royal and trying to keep up with awkward small talk until the waiter returned with their dinners. Being overly nervous about the evening Frank had consumed two drinks even before picking Lucy up for their date.  Now he couldn’t even remember the name of the fancy French restaurant they were sitting in. 


            Lavez-vous les mains, was all he could remember and he couldn’t even recall where he had seen that.  He fussed with his napkin again while Lucy went on and on about the various shop owners along Northwalk.  She seemed to know them all very well and had strong opinions about each. 


            The topic of Hector came up half way through dinner and Frank tried politely to let Lucy know he was off duty and didn’t really want to pay these kind of dinner prices while talking about a case but the more Lucy talked about it the more emotional she became and wasn’t really listening to his objections about the topic.


            Suddenly Lucy touched on something that Frank wasn’t aware of; Hector’s great dislike for the tourists.  He reached across the table and took hold of Lucy’s hand.  She stopped talking and looked at him.


            “This whole time I have been concentrating on the shop owners as suspects.  I never knew Hector had openly verbalized his negative opinions to the tourists themselves.” Frank said with slight embarrassment.


            But Lucy was only half listening to Frank.  His hand on hers had brought her focus to a palpable reality that she was on a date.  She gradually felt very aware of herself and pondered how she had let herself get into this position.  She pulled her hand away and sat back in her chair just looking at Frank, at his clothes, his posture and wondered just who this guy was.  The look on her face must have spoken volumes to Frank as he too sat back and quickly apologized for touching her hand.


            The rest of the dinner was finished in awkward silence and clumsy attempts at small talk.  When they left the restaurant they walked down Hampton, west towards Northwalk.  They could see the lights in the distance that ran along the walkway and they could hear the sea lions barking down at the pier just to the south but neither of them was saying anything.  


Suddenly Lucy let out a scream and at the same moment Frank ducked.  A very large pelican had silently glided just inched over their heads.  It had come from behind so neither saw it coming; and then very gracefully it landed a few feet in front of them, turned to face them and spread out its massive wings, as if it were some traffic cop signaling them to stop.



            “What is it doing?” Lucy whispered.


            “I haven’t got a clue but let’s just stand here for a minute and don’t move.”


            “No problem.” Lucy said, slowly taking hold of Franks sport coat.


            It was like a stand-off, the pelican stood its ground and held its wings fully stretched and Frank and Lucy just stood looking at it.


            “Maybe it’s sick; you know… rabies or something.” Lucy said out of the side of her mouth.


“If there were more people out walking tonight it might not be so brave.  I have never seen a bird act like this. Let’s take a step back and then turn to our left and head down Parker Street.”


            Still holding tight to Frank’s sleeve, Lucy followed Franks lead and they slowly turned and took a step towards Parker.  The pelican didn’t object; in fact it pulled its wings in and just watched them as they backed away.


            “That was weird.”  Lucy said, letting go of Frank’s coat.


            “This will put us at the wrong end of Northwalk but it’s a nice night for a walk don’t you think?”  Frank had liked Lucy holding tight to his sleeve but still felt awkward about touching her hand at the table and she didn’t seem to be very talkative either.


            “Frank, I want to thank you for the lovely evening, but the truth is I haven’t dated in several years.  I really don’t know why I agreed to… What I mean is, you seem like a very nice person and…” Lucy suddenly stopped and again grabbed at Frank’s sleeve.


            Frank looked up and saw that once again the pelican had placed itself in their path.  This time however it didn’t appear to be blocking their path but was holding something in its mouth.


            The pelican dropped the item and backed up a couple steps.


            “Can you see what that is?” Frank asked Lucy.


            “Looks too small to be a fish but I’m not walking up there to see.” She replied.


“Is that even the same bird?” Frank said, taking a slow step forward.


“It’s too dark out.  I didn’t even notice it until it was suddenly just there.  But I’ll wait here if you want to go up and check.”


“It looks like what it dropped is a wallet.”


As Frank stepped closer the giant bird moved back. 


            “Be careful Frank, if that bird is sick you’re not going to want pelican drool on you.”


Frank pulled out his handkerchief and carefully reached down for the billfold but stopped short.


“It’s not a wallet.” Franks voice sounded a little strained to Lucy.


            Lucy took a step farther back and said, “What is it Frank?” 


            “Stay back there; I’m going to call this in.”


            “Frank?”


“Its part of a swim fin with part of a foot still in it.”


            Lucy’s first impulse was not to vomit but to immediately consider how news like this would impact her business.  None of the shop keepers ever wanted bad news to get out to the public, and that very topic was always touched upon in their monthly meetings.  Even Hector’s death had been kept as quite as possible, and to this end all the shop owners could be seen out cleaning the walkway in front of their own shops until a replacement for Hector could be found.  


           

            “I must say Frank; you sure know how to show a girl a good time.”



But Frank was already on his cell phone describing their location and having some difficulty getting across to them that a pelican had simply dropped the foot right in front of them.


Chapter 2


             

            Lucy had not heard back from Frank since that night. She had been checking the daily papers every morning for articles about the foot but so far she hadn’t seen anything.

There were several applications on her desk that had been turned in for Hector’s job.  They had all been generated through word-of-mouth as Lucy had not advertised the position but rather each shop owner had put the word out into the beach community that a night man was needed.   She hadn’t been in a mood to start the interviews but knew the other shop owners wouldn’t keep cleaning up their own places for too much longer.  In fact, Gary Driskel from Beach Burgers had already grumbled to her about picking up the pace a little on getting Hector replaced.


            That night, after Lucy closed up her shop she took the stack of applications home with her.  After her dinner she fixed a Manhattan and sat at her dining room table and started reading through the pile of applications.  She couldn’t seem to focus, instead her mind was just wandering as her eyes were skimming the pages, glancing at the various miss-spellings, the words that had been scribbled over with other words squeezed in above or next to them.  She found herself smiling at them, seeing them for the first time as a sort of artwork.  She even held one up to the light trying to imagine how it would look with a frame around it.  But then something odd caught her attention.  Written just below the signature at the bottom it said, I am the pelican.


            Lucy couldn’t stop staring at it.  What was that supposed to mean?  Did this person know about what had happened that night with her and Frank and the foot or was this some cruel joke?  But how, no one knew about the pelican except her and the police.  She wanted to call Frank but she seemed frozen, holding the application and staring at those words.  I am the pelican.  It was creepy and she finally set it down and took a healthy sip of her drink.


            The name on the application was Scratchy Fernandez and the phone number was local.  She wanted to call it but the urge to tell Frank was stronger, even though she really didn’t want to start that whole thing up again she dialed Frank’s cell phone.


           

            Frank sounded surprised to hear Lucy on the phone and quickly apologized for not having called her sooner with updates on the case, citing as an excuse that there really hadn’t been any.  Lucy suggested he stop by the shop tomorrow and she would show him something.  “It isn’t anything I want to tell you over the phone Frank.  I just want you to look at it and then tell me what you think.”


               When Lucy arrived to open her shop the following morning Frank was already there standing out by one of the posts just looking out at the ocean.  When he heard her keys at the lock he turned and walked over.


               “Good-morning Lucy.”


               Lucy turned and saw Frank walking up. “There was no need to be here first thing but I’m glad you’re here before I open for business.  Come in.”


               “I have been going through applications for Hector’s job and I think you need to see one of them.”


 Frank looked surprised.  “Do you mean people really have to fill out an application to get a job hosing off a walk and picking up trash?”


               Lucy looked at him.  “These are not college entrance exams Frank, but we do have to know who we hire and a little something about them.  And to even call them applications is a stretch.  It’s not unusual for them to be filled out with stubby golf pencils, turned in crumpled or folded several times, torn in half and all too often stained with mustard and relish.  These are beach applicants we’re talking about.  Sometimes homeless, most times in serious need of a bath.  The hardest part of the job for them will be to fill out this form and come up with a phone number where they can be reached.


               Anyway, take a look at this one and tell me what you think.”


               Frank took the application and immediately said, “There is something familiar about the date on this.”


               Lucy took it back and looked at the date.  Her expression was that of confusion but suddenly appeared startled and handed it quickly back to Frank.  “I just got this application two days ago but the date on here is the date Hector was killed.” her voice sounding a little shaky.


               Frank continued scanning the page and then saw the name at the bottom; “Scratchy Fernandez?  Is that what you wanted me to see?


               Lucy didn’t respond but waited for him to keep reading.


“What the...”  The expression on Frank’s face had said it all. 


               “That’s what I wanted you to see.” Lucy sat down at her desk and the two of them just stared at each other.