Sometimes

 

even if the food isn't perfect,

the photograph is.

That's the last time

 

I take directions from a computer.

Dear Santa

 

I would not want your job for anything. In fact, I’m surprised you still do it. Before we get to my wish list, let me first thank you for Spell-check. That has been a lifesaver. Windows 10, on the other hand, you can grind it up and use it to fill potholes in Michigan. Trust me when I say, you’ll run out of Window 10 programs before you ever run out of potholes in Michigan. But I’ve gotten off the subject.

This year I would like teachers to be paid the same as movie stars and sports figures. I would like to see mandatory jail time for judges who take bribes. I would like to abolish all political parties and go to a flat 5% tax rate for everyone, no exceptions, no loopholes.

I would like free medical, dental and eye care for every human in the country.  I would like to see a 50-year, bumper to bumper warranty on all new cars, including free oil changes, tire rotations and road service.  Each government agency, from the top down, should be 100% transparent, with life in prison for any shenanigans.

I understand you may not be able to get me everything on my list, so if there is to be only one thing out of all I have asked for, please make it filling the potholes in Michigan.

Thanks

Larry

The Bird in the Lake

 

The bird in the lake likes to stand on his head

Every book that I read, he’s already read

The higher I fly, the deeper he dives

And just when I get there, he’s already arrived

The bird in the lake – I don’t know his name

Pleasant enough, I’m thinking he’s tame

When I get to Heaven, I’ll play the harp

But the bird down below will swim with the carp

 

Observations

 

and no matter how big or small you are

its a jungle out there.

A Stupid Idea

 

 

I’m adrift on a raft

That someone else made

A little bit scorched

Because of no shade

Schools full of fish

That don’t seem to think

And plenty of water

That I dare not drink

So just where I am

I can’t seem to tell

But getting more queasy

With each little swell

Adrift on a raft

With no land in sight

No stars to guide me

It’s been cloudy all night

With no GPS or radio wave

No one out searching

I doubt I’ll be saved

Nobody looking

For little ole’ me

What a stupid idea

To head out to sea.

Password

 

I remember seeing an old Marx Brothers movie once and their password was swordfish.  Here’s the thing, I don’t remember what the movie was about or why they needed a password.  That all took place years and years ago, and in the grand scheme of what has been my life, seeing that movie was nothing more than an insignificant speck of time.  So why, over all these years and events do I remember swordfish but couldn’t tell you what I had for dinner yesterday?

I liked the Marx Brothers much more than the Three Stooges.  If I remember right, I believe by age 5 I had outgrown the antics of the Stooges, but the Marx Brothers played more with words than props.  It was the word play that kept my attention and made me laugh.

On the opposite end of the spectrum is Neil deGrasse Tyson.  I really enjoy listening to him talk about anti-matter and dark matter, and even through he doesn’t much get into gray matter, I still enjoy…well, it doesn’t matter.  You get the idea.

Anyway, as we make our way through this Sunday, take a moment to email an old friend or lost acquaintance, if only to say – “Swordfish”.

 

They’ll wonder what’s the matter with you.

 

Hey, there’s yet another kind of matter.

Refund Request

 

Nature Toys Incorporated

4517 E. Broadway

New York, NY 30775

 

Dear Nature Toy Company,

Back in the late 50’s I bought your ant farm for my child.  It proved to be very educational and provided hours of entertainment.  It was great.

More recently, however, we purchased the Raccoon Ranch, suitable for ages 5 and up.  Although constructed of sturdy plexi-glass, the raccoons did not take long at all to figure out how to work the little door latches.

To this day, none of them remain contained within the ranch.  Really, it's like they don't want to be in there at all.  They have taken over the kitchen, the refrigerator and pantry.  They have eaten all of Sparky’s dog food and have made our cat a nervous wreck.

Your little instruction booklet mentions nothing about how to get them to go back into the ranch.  We believe there should have been some kind of warning letting us know there was a possibility they could escape.   

We have even tried wearing the raccoon masks you provided, attempting to trick them into going back into the structure.  They didn’t fall for it, in fact two of them seemed to be laughing at us.

We would like a full refund, along with the cost of replacing Sparky’s food.  Additionally, please send your employees to collect the raccoons and the remainder of the ranch pieces.

Also, while they're here, if they could help us find our car keys and TV remote it would be appreciated.

 

Respectfully

 

Wanda Maynard

 

Time to Think

 

          The trees look different when you’ve got your feet out in front of you and your wings spread wide in an effort to slow down.  I knew I was coming in too fast, but there was no time for adjustment. 

 

          Those were my thoughts just a few minutes ago.  I lay here now on a mixture of pine needles and dried leaves.  Not much of a cushion when you think about it.  And trust me, now that I’m laying here, I’ve got plenty of time to think about it.

 

          I guess I should start at the beginning.   That, according to my calculations, would be last Thursday.  I was looking forward to Friday and the start of a brand-new weekend.  What?  You thought only humans looked forward to weekends?  Not so, my good friend, not so.

 

                                   ~~~~~~~~~~

 

          I started this story just a day ago.  I didn’t know why I was writing it or where I was heading, but just after putting pen to paper, as they say, I received a phone call telling me that my nephew had fallen from some scaffolding and landed on his garage floor.  He suffered a great deal of damage and is now in intensive care.

 

          There was no soft bed of old leaves and pine needles.  There are damaged wings, broken bones and the intense vulnerability of crashing into a world you weren’t expecting to be in.  I don’t believe myself to be psychic.  The only things I have ever been able to predict with any degree of accuracy have been those things that were blatantly obvious to everyone.

 

          I don’t think I could handle knowing things ahead of time.  I believe there’d be an undirected sense of urgency that I wouldn’t know what to with.  That’s a poor sentence but you get the drift.  The responsibility would be intense. Do I say anything?  What do I say and to who?  There are way too many voids in that entire psychic world.  The biggest being, what if I’m wrong?

 

          I have abandoned the falling bird story and am focusing on Pythagoras Theorem, A2 + B2 = C2, believing that the nurses and doctors are working with all the tools in their bag that have proven results, leaving logic, reason and skill to repair the effects of gravity.

 

 

         nuff said

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Flea for the Asking

 

Our days spent as pet sitters sent us to far-off places, caring for wagging tails and purring cuddles of fur, giving us adventures in foreign neighborhoods armed only with a strange pet at the end of a leash.

The variety of pet owners accepting us into their homes proved to be a trusting and friendly lot, leaving their home and beloved pets to the care of us.  What were they thinking?

In all the years of our service, never once did we encounter a situation we couldn’t handle, or a pet so unruly they couldn't be bribed with a treat.  Everyone seemed to always be on their best behavior.

By the end of our adventures, we came to the conclusion that we no longer felt comfortable being responsible for everything left in our charge.  So many things could have gone south that just thinking about them caused us to call it quits while still on top.

I can honestly say that through these experiences we have made lifelong acquaintances.  The bond between pet owner and pet sitter is unique to say the least.  At the onset, the pet owner is filled with concerns, distrust and yet hopeful that all turns out well.  By the end of the experience, they are relieved and feeling proud for having selected the right people for the job.  The pet sitters, on the other hand, are hoping their first night in a strange house they are not dismembered and fed to the drooling chow at the bottom of the stairs.

It was our experience that the first evening was spent at the dinner table, enjoying a meal with the homeowners, while fielding questions as to who we are, why we do this, and will everything still be here when they return?  The peas and carrots are not the only things strained.

As they head down the driveway, leaving us and little Fifi behind, we just know they are now questioning their own judgement.  

 

                                           to be continued...

 

Skin Condition

 

This seems more severe than moderate.

The Voyage

At first, I was not even aware of the boat.  It was just there, like the air, my breathing and other faces.  It just was.  As I got a little older, of course, I became more aware of my surroundings.  I was learning, growing and interacting with others.

At some point I was shown where the life preservers were.  We had drills and had to try them on.  You know, just in case…

The older I became, the more I was exposed to the elements and the hazards of the journey and the more important the life rings seemed to be.

In my teenage years you couldn’t tell me anything.  I ran up and down the deck, I played with things that were foreign to me, I had no care in the world, I was just going to sail on forever.

As I grew older, I ran less, I played less and enjoyed different things than when in my youth. I was becoming more and more aware of the ship.  It was creaking more now than it did.  The rails were showing wear and it’s sails no longer had that crisp snap whenever the wind changed direction.

The other faces I knew seemed to take on a seriousness I had not noticed before.  Sailing into the wind became a chore.  Skipping off to distant islands no longer had the appeal it once had.  I was content to sit on deck in the warm sun.

Suddenly, new faces were coming into the picture.  Faces with titles, like doctor, and surgeon.  Faces even more serious than before.

The ship is taking on water, they said.  I was not familiar with many of the words they were using.  “You shouldn’t sit out in the sun anymore, and those life rings won’t work for someone your age.  They are for children.”

I was suddenly aware that I was not going to just sail on forever.  I would be going off to join those faces I no longer saw around the ship.  I found myself paying closer attention to things I could grab onto, things that would float.

Even the conversations I was having with the other faces on deck had taken on an eerie feeling.  I was heading into a fog bank, no idea what lay ahead. What used to be the gentle rocking motion of the boat, now had me reaching for the rails, just to study myself.

I wasn't sure I liked where this was headed.

 

For Whatever Reason

 

over the years we've lost contact.

I have mailed you letters and even tried to

locate your phone number, but wasn't able to find it.

Scooter says he heard you moved to Europe.

I did get this postcard last year but I could not read it and don't really even know if it is from you.

I got this email address from a friend of Scooter.

Let me know if this is you.

Thanks

A Sister Remembers...

 

It is not by accident the hawk's  morning screech awakens me,

his belly full of roadkill.  He is content to boast.

Indecision was my brother’s downfall.  This way – no that…

then splat.

Larry was a good brother, but he could never decide.

At climbing trees, he was tops.  Leaping from

branch to branch – he was fearless.

Roadkill was not a dignified end,

but at least it was a Buick.

R.I.P.

Larry Squirrel 

Born: 2019

Died: Over there.

A Bad Poem with an Expired Meter

 

A flat rock at the edge of the lake

Seemed perfect for a chair,

So with the lunch that I did make,

I climbed out and sat there.

Today, I thought I’d watch the fish,

Dangle my feet and make a wish,

As the day’s Sun rose, fish nibbled my toes,

When the morning breeze swept

A turtle up crept –

With a snap and a yell,

I quickly could tell –

I had grabbed the wrong lunch

What the Hell!

There was mustard on my lettuce

Peach instead of pears –

There was fuzz around the peaches,

That looked like little hairs,

A tomato ripe and juicy, was a flat and squishy mess,

My jeans – turns out, weren’t jeans at all –

But someone else’s dress,

Hey! This isn’t me I yelled –

I’m the sister, Susie-Q

Be sure to check when heading out -

The persons really you.

Now this is a good one.

 

Waiting

 

A cyber-field of spaghettified cables stretch between my thoughts and the potential of acceptance. Waiting is nothing more than a consumption of coffee and wracked nerves. I walk barefoot amidst a vast array of adjectives, straining to express my frustration, all the while listening to a scratchy rendition of Moon River. A seemingly deep and endless river.

 Hold music has become the gristle of progress. It is an ignored byproduct of technology. In the haste of expediency, we have trimmed away all pleasantries, and exchanged human interaction for obscure, pre-recorded mall music, continually interrupted by, “Your call is important to us. Please stay on the line and your call will be answered in the order it was received.” 

 I can’t really say that I am a fan of hold music or of the companies suggesting their calls may be recorded for training and quality purposes.  Here’s a thought you can record for training: strap your CEO into his or her chair and force them to listen to their own hold music.  Go in and check on them at least twice a week.  Feed them only at lunch and designated break times.

 I’m guessing changes will be made.  Customers will once again have their calls answered by a person, and on the first or second ring.  Profits will increase, business will grow and World Peace will magically happen overnight.