Finding Middle C

 

My sheet music has no notes

well – it does,

I just can’t read them.

 
 

 

I don’t like ice cream

actually – I do,

it just hurts my teeth.

 

Not all of my writing

leaves footprints –

especially the light verse

 

 

It isn’t that I know

what’s going to happen next –

but trust me,

tomorrow I’m wearing a hat.

 

 

 

Once translated into your language

you'll understand the reason for the hat.

It will keep you from scratching your head over things like this.

 

 

Badda Bing

 

 

The Art of Great Spaghetti Sauce

 

 

Stuff you’re going to need;

 

A couple of jumbo onions

Lots of fresh handpicked mushrooms

Maybe another onion

Some Fennel Seeds – Eleven (smashed)

Extra Virgin Olive Oil

Five pounds of ground sirloin

1 ½ pounds of sweet Italian sausage

More Oregano than you think you’re going to need

Fresh Basil (Again – don’t be stingy)

Fresh Parsley

Six large cans of Dei Fratelli tomato sauce

Four small cans of Contadina tomato paste

Butter

Sugar – maybe ½ cup or more

Salt and Onion salt

A nice bottle of vino

 

OK, I know what you’re thinking. “Where’s the garlic.”  I don’t use garlic.  Yes, I know… and it’s one of the things that kept me from becoming Italian.  I applied - I filled out the forms and paid the fee but failed miserably when it came to putting garlic in my spaghetti sauce.

 

Hardware:

 

A 6 gallon pot

2 large frying pans

A good size cutting board

A real sharp kitchen knife

A glass

Motar & pestle to mash the fennel seeds.

 

Now you’re ready.

 

First thing – clean the kitchen.  Before you start anything – everything should be spotless; and put some Italian music on.

 

 

Pour some of the vino into the glass and have some.

 

Now – open all the cans and gently pour them into the big pot.  Put in some sugar – stir and turn the flame on very low.  (Special note:  If you got electric – forgetabouteit.  You need to be cooking with gas)

 

Hey! Save one of the large empty cans.  You’re going to need it later.

 

On the cutting board chop up the Oregano and Parsley.  Add it to the sauce and stir it in.  Add in a little olive oil and stir that in as well.

 

In one of the large frying pans cook up the sirloin.  Never use a wooden spoon to stir meat. Salt it a little while it’s cooking. When done, drain the grease into the large empty can you set aside earlier.

 

Add the meat to the sauce and stir it in.

 

Then cook the Italian sausage.  Drain it and add the meat to the sauce.  YES! Stir it again.  What? I have to tell you each time?

 

This would be a good time to pour yourself some more wine.

 

Tear off some tin foil and make a lid over the can of grease.  Stretch a rubber band around the foil lid to hold it in place and then set it out in the trash.  You’re done with that.

 

Clean off the cutting board and kitchen knife.  Then chop up the onions and start them cooking in olive oil.

 

While the onions are cooking chop the mushrooms.  Put them is a separate pan from the onions.  Cook them in some butter and add a splash of  red wine after they have been cooking for a bit.

 

Pay attention.  Don’t burn the onions. Keep them stirred.

 

When the mushrooms and onions are done stir them into the sauce.  Add some onion salt and a little more sugar.

 

Put a lid on the pot, leave it on simmer and have a little more wine.  Before you start to clean up the kitchen go turn up the music.  Al Martino or Deano – you pick.

 

Every now and then, while you’re washing up the place go over and stir – give it a taste.  What’s it need?  Add it.

 

When it’s done; 3 ½ maybe 4 hours, shut off the flame and go into the other room and watch Moonstruck or My Big Fat Italian Wedding or something.

 

After the movie put the whole pot into the fridge.  It will fit – you just have to juggle stuff around.

 

 

The next day:

 

Heat up the sauce.  Put a large pot of water on for the noodles.  Twice the water you think you will need.  Get it boiling.  Add in some olive oil - it keeps the noodles from sticking together.

 

Invite the neighbors over.  You’ve got lots of spaghetti.

 

 

Sprinkle some Parmesan.

 

Light the candles.

 

Pour some wine.

 

 

 

Squisito

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Simpatico

It was a found inspiration that just seemed to carry me along for some time.  When it ended and life resumed its normal cadence I was unable to verbalize it’s effect or to convey with any intelligence just how completely dull and superficial a life at normal cadence actually is.  I had this mental comparison in my head that I couldn’t seem to share with anyone.  I would have come off sounding like a lunatic.

Since that time I have tried to recall events or patterns that may have led up to those few days, perhaps subliminally attempting to recreate that time and those feelings.  It was as if an angel had been carrying me through that part of my life.  Void of corporate shoes -fields of soft peddles tickled my feet and I giggled like a child in a storm of feathers, although I wasn’t surrounded by flowers and my exterior life had not actually changed.  I did mentally see things of true importance and understood the seemingly endless minutia of my daily existence prior to that time.

I have of course failed to return to whatever that was.  I don’t expect you can find the same thing twice but I did want to leave this here for you to discover.  I’m not sure why.  I just think you’ll understand – even though I scarcely do.

 

 

 

 

Crisp Bacon - 3 Eggs Scrambled - Coffee & Toast

The Admiral loves his breakfast and considers it to be the most important time of the day.  As the story goes – he once sent a sailor to the brig for 30 days just for knocking on his door during breakfast.  There are even people in Washington who would never dare interrupt the Admiral until long after his second cup of coffee.

It is reported that his coffee maker makes a sound like a fog horn as it is brewing a cup.  The Admiral lives in a sprawling 5 bedroom, 3 bath ranch-style home on Putrid Sound.  It was the rather large air-raid siren atop the 75 foot tower that had caused people to change the name of the area to Putrid Sound, for two eagles had constructed a large nest right inside of the siren, and the first time it was tested the twigs and sticks that were used in the construction of the nest acted like reeds in a musical instrument.  The air pressure and vibration coming through the nest made an awful and quite putrid sound.

The eagles no longer inhabit the nest and nobody has ever bothered to clean it out so on the third Tuesday of every other month it is tested and the entire town groans at the sound of it.

 

            The Admiral’s home sits about 200 yards behind this ship.

 

 

 Knowing the Admiral never sees this side of the ship

they have altered it just slightly.

 

 



Episode 25

OAK VALLEY

 

 

            As Grandville Beckett drove down the mountain and past the sign that welcomed him to Oak Valley his turquoise Neapolitan with luggage rack was reading almost empty.  As he came into town he noticed a nice canon sitting in the center of the traffic circle.  He also noticed that the speed limit had dropped considerably and so he slowed down and rolled down his window to get the fresh morning breeze.

 

            Grandville noticed a man standing next to the stop sign and as he stopped the man jumped forward and began squirting his windshield with soap bubbles.  Quickly retrieving a squeegee from his back pocket he pulled the bubbles across the glass - leaned forward with his nose almost touching the glass and said, “Good-morning.  Welcome to Oak Valley.”  Just as quickly as the man had sprung out to clean Grandville’s windshield he popped back and stood quietly next to the stop sign.  Grandville wanted to give the guy a buck or two but the man never looked back at him; he just seemed to stand poised, ready for the next passing car.

 

 

            Beckett drove on slowly and as he passed the Sears Home and Garden Center he noticed people being wheeled out front in wheelchairs and being left there as if to get some morning sun.  Just down the street he could see what looked like a High School marching band out practicing.   Their uniforms looked to be just plain white gowns with matching slippers.  He couldn’t make out the music they were playing but thought he heard a glockenspiel.  He wanted to stop and get his ocarina out of his luggage and join in but quickly thought better of it and kept driving.

 

            From his car window he could hear two men arguing on the sidewalk in front of Badger Motors.  “Badgers?  Badgers?  We don’t need no stinking badgers.”  Grandville wasn’t sure what that was all about but thought the balloons and painted sayings on the windshields of the used cars was quite a clever sales ploy.  Soon he found himself in front of the Oak Valley General Hardware and then on his left he noticed the sign that read, “Quiet – Hospital Zone”.  As he drove past what looked like the Hospital he could see a baseball diamond and tennis courts to the side of the building.  He then noticed a long line of service trucks and on the side of each truck there was the same sign, GLOBAL VENDING, INC.

 

            Soon Mr. Beckett saw the sign he had been looking for, Ed’s Mobil Diner.  As he pulled in the drive he could hear the faint (ding-ding) as his tires rolled over the hose for the bell.  Many folks seated in Ed’s turned to look out.  They hadn’t seen a Neapolitan come through their town in many years and turquoise, well that was really special.

 

            Grandville got out of his car and went around to the trunk.

 

Sal Manilla:  “What-da-ya spoze he’s got in there Ed?”

 

Ed:  “Don’t know Sal but it looks like a large box and he’s pulling something out of it.”

 

Wanda Loop:  “Quiet - here he comes.”

 

            Grandville walked through the screen door of Ed’s and placed a large covered tray on top of the counter.  He then pulled the top off of the tray and said,

 

“Here you go folks.  Fresh, still warm, chocolate chip cookies.”

 

 

End of Part One

 

Episode 24

OAK VALLEY

 

 

 

            Thrills, excitement, danger, romance.  (I hadn’t used any of those words yet in Oak Valley, so I just thought I’d spice this episode up a little).  Actual episode starts here.

 

            Well…  If you’ll remember, we left Nancy back at the office, and the Mayor was headed (we think, downtown somewhere).  We’re not sure.  But as we join our story today, we find that O.B. Kuiet has caught up with Mayor Warren Peace and is about to spring some news on him.

 

O.B.:  “Mr. Mayor.  Oh, Mr. Mayor.  Excuse me sir…  Excuse me …  HEY!”

 

Warren:  “Olivia.  What’s so important?  Why I don’t believe I’ve ever heard you raise your voice before.  You have a lovely yell.  You should use it more often.”

 

O.B.:  “Mr. Mayor, as you know, Nancy does your books, and in the spirit of small town living she feels compelled to donate the full books to the library.  Well, I haven’t said anything before, but this is different.  I’ve gone over these records and I believe that Oak Valley has approximately $37,000,000.00 in it’s account.”

 

Warren:  “Cool.”

 

            Meanwhile, over at Grapeknee High, various speakers mingle in the back room, as it is Career Day, and several Companies are represented to explain their business and the many rewards of working for them.

 

Linda Foster, School Teacher:  “And Mr. Bostanini, what is it you do?”

 

Mr. Bostanini:  “Thank you.  I design the car air fresheners that you see dangling from the rear view mirror.  I don’t know if you’ve seen my Christmas Tree?  I also designed a Peach and a Foot.  But the foot didn’t go over that good.  Personally, I think the reason it failed was due to the fragrance boys.  You know, those guy’s can make you or break you.  We call em’ Stinkers, but not the fragrance boy’s of course.  I mean these.”  (He says, holding up an air freshener).

 

 

            Well…  I don’t think the Mayor Believes Olivia.  Do you?  And just where was Mr. Bostanini during our career day?  For that matter, where was D.B. Cooper?

 

            Tune in again tomorrow when we’ll hear Mr. Bostanini say, “You know, as free promotion, I snuck one of my car air fresheners in every car down at Badger Motors.  Now, whoever drives one of those cars away, well…  they're getting a stinker.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Episode 23

 

OAK VALLEY

 

 

 

            In our last exciting episode, Mayor Peace had gotten a call of utmost importance.

 

Warren Peace:  “Hello?”

 

Voice on Phone:  “Hi, Bob here.  Your request for the witnesses has gone to Helen Baack, and although Oak Valley sounds like an ideal location, you failed to complete form 66/L in the prescribed manor thus voiding your request completely.  You may, however, apply again after a period of one year.  Are there any questions?”

 

Warren:  “I’m sorry; who did you say you were?”

 

            Meanwhile…  Across town a short stranger walks into Ed’s Mobil Diner.

 

Short Stranger:  “Are you Ed?”

 

Ed:  “Yep.”

 

Short Stranger:  “Ed, my name is Earl P. Anderson.  I represent the Environmental Protection Agency.  Our records show that this is a gas station and not a diner.”

 

Ed:  “Well, it used to be a gas station.  See the sign out there?  See that part that says Mobil?  That’s the only word that I didn’t have to buy.  I had to buy them other two, Ed’s and Diner.”

 

E.P. Anderson:  “Interesting.  Our records also show that the underground tanks are scheduled to be removed.”

 

Ed:  “But there’s no gas in ‘em.  I’ve got them filled up with condiments.  Why, I had them filled right after I bought this place.  That pump there that says, SUPER - that’s really mustard.  REGULAR, next to it there, is catsup, and what you might think is an air hose rolled up over there actually sputters out some mighty fine relish.  So you see there’s no reason to be digging up these tanks.”

 

E.P. Anderson (stands looking at Ed)

 

Ed:  “Whut?”

 

            Meanwhile…  Back at the Mayor’s office.

 

Warren Peace:  “Nancy, we’ve got trouble.  The Government is turning us down.  We’re not getting the money to rebuild our town.  We need to raise some cash and raise it quick.”

 

Nancy:  “How about a telethon?  I see them on TV and they seem to raise millions.”

 

Warren:  “Good, make some calls.  Get it set up.  What ever it takes, just get it going.  By the way who are you going to call?”

 

Nancy:  “Maybe that Lewis person would do it for us.  You know, Lewis.  Like on the Labor Day Telethon.”

 

Warren:  “Great.  I’m headed back downtown.  Keep me informed of your progress.”

 

            As the Mayor leaves the office, Nancy begins making calls.

 

Nancy:  “Yes, operator, do you have a listing for a Shari Lewis?”

 

 

 

 

 

            Well…  Is Oak Valley going to take it on the lamb?  And what about Judy?  No, the other Judy.  Can see really be left handed?  And what about Mr. Anderson?  Could he be like Phil and Rhoda Dendron – just another plant?

 

            Tune in again tomorrow when we’ll see an upturn in the O.V. Sock Market, and we’ll here Olivia Baker Kuiet tell Warren Peace something that will change his life…  Forever.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Episode 22

 

 

OAK VALLEY

Please Stand By…

 

 

            Sorry for the dead air space, but the construction in Oak Valley severed our communication lines and we were out of business for some time.  As you can all see, we’re back J

 

            Oak Valley will once again return for your viewing pleasure.  It is unfortunate however that all the really good and clever stuff happened during this unforeseen down time.  We anticipate episode 22 will be sent out in…

 

5…  4…  3…  2…

 

  

 

OAK VALLEY

 

 

 

            Oak Valley – a small friendly community, just off the freeway, nestled in the Blue Diamond Mountains.  As today’s story begins Sparky is taking his morning stroll along the storefronts on Main Street.  The scent of fresh coffee drifts in the morning air.  The faint murmur of voices can be heard across Meadow Muffin Lake.  It is a morning not unlike some other morning somewhere else.

 

            As Sparky passes the front of Nora’s Touperwear Shop - Specializing in Toups Of All Shapes And Sizes For Balding Men, he hears Nora explaining to a new salesperson, “You just have to lift one little corner like this - then press down in the center.  You know, you’ve got to burp them.  That’s why I call them Touperwear.  This helps to form a tight seal keeping the toupee in place.”

 

            That same morning the townspeople gather at Ed’s Mobil Diner.  The topic of discussion is the upcoming open bid on who will build the new development just west of town.

 

Warren Peace:  “I think we should run some kind of test, you know, have each contractor pass a test.  That way we can make sure we can get a quality job.”

 

Wanda Loop:  “I like that idea.  I think there should be 2 tests they have to pass and if they don’t pass both – they can’t bid on the job.”

 

Warren:  “What do you have in mind?”

 

Wanda:  “Well, fist they must be dressed nice.  I don’t think anyone around here wants to look at Plumber Pants for the next 6 months.”

 

Warren:  “What are Plumber Pants?”

 

Nancy Phoepaw:  “Surely you’ve seen the pants on plumbers that well…  seem to slide down every time they bend over to do something.”

 

Warren:  “Oh, I know what you mean -  Sears has Plumber Pants on sale this week.”

 

Ed:  “Wanda what’s the second test?”

 

 

Wanda:  “The second test is to give them all a lunch break.  The true test will be to see who comes back.  I’ve never known a contractor yet who doesn’t disappear when the jobs half done.”

 

            Meanwhile…  As the townsfolk try to weed through their Weed-Through process, far away in some distant Government building, the Oak Valley Folder is being handed to Helen Baack.  Helen is in charge of issuing witnesses to qualified towns.  As she goes over the paperwork she happens to notice a problem with one of the copies.  She calls her supervisor over.

 

Helen:  “Bob, can you come here for a moment?”

 

Bob:  “What is it, Helen?” He says, as he walks up to her gray, metal, standard issue, 318/P/27-87 desk, with chair.

 

Helen:  “Look, right here.  This form is completely backwards.  It’s as if triplets filled this out, but one of them was left-handed.”

 

Bob:  “You’re right.  This will have to be rejected.”

 

            Meanwhile…  Back in beautiful Downtown Oak Valley

 

Warren Peace:  “OK, we’ve got all the bleachers from Grapeknee High lined up along Main Street.  We’ve got three piles of lumber, three piles of nails, and three saws, and I’ve got the blueprints here for an outdoor bar-b-q.  The first group of contractors to construct this great little bar-b-q will get to bid on the new housing project.”

 

Justin Tyme:  “Mayor!  Mayor!  Excuse me sir, but there’s an important phone call for you at your office.  I think it’s from the Government.”

 

 

            Well…  Has Sparky walked a fur piece?  Has the Oak Valley Folder really gone to Helen Baack?  Tune in again tomorrow, when you’ll hear Warren Peace say, “Hello?”