My Lucky Day

 

Funny, the things you think of at times like this.

Too many drinks at happy hour, so I thought I’d walk home and not drive.  I think it was a combination of my mental state and the fact that I never heard the electric car coming up behind me until it was too late.

Laying on my back in the snow, I should have felt cold, or at least feel dented from the bumper, but I felt nothing.  All I kept thinking about was the pretzels at the bar.  Suddenly I was the crunch.  I wondered if anything was broken.  I thought about how easily those skinny pretzels sticks snapped, just like my bones might have just done.

Maybe it was the cold keeping me from feeling any pain.  Then again, it could be the number of drinks I had, I’m not sure.  Now there is some girl, in a furry parka looking down at me.  I think she’s asking if I’m alright, but she is blubbering too much.  I can’t understand anything she is saying.  I must be her first accident.   Lucky me.

Looking past her at the night sky, I can see the twinkling stars.  The girl is now on her cell phone but still crying too much for anyone at the other end to understand her.  I'll just lay here and wait.  Maybe, if my luck continues, it will start snowing.

 

 

Catch & Release

 

Even though Wanda tried to stay hidden by the shrubs, she couldn’t resist the fresh taste of worms, and Betty knew that.

A Little Too Quirky

He ate Tater Tots with a spoon

while songs played in his head,

by candlelight he’d read a book

thoughts flickered as he read,

He toiled in a factory

on weekends he was free,

Each Sunday he’d go bowling

his average – 203.

He hoped one day to marry

perhaps one day in June,

but his girl said he was scary

eating taters with a spoon.

  

                                    zc

When Good Ideas turn Bad

 

With only 26 letters in my toolbox, I haven’t a lot to work with.  Really, you’d think there’d be more, considering all the words we have.  We are fortunate they are reusable.  William Shakespeare had the opportunity to use them all up long before I came upon the scene.

In fact, everyone throughout history has been using them in speech, in writing and some quite loudly out of car windows.  That’s the other thing, words don’t seem to be affected by volume. Case in point, the words QUITE LOUDLY, can actually be whispered.  Seems odd, right?

I have been writing on this blog for several years now and have received many comments, none, however, complaining that I keep using the same words over and over again, just arranging them differently.  And I don’t really enjoy typing.  I much prefer using my good pen, but until technology figures out how to get spell check into a pen, I’m stuck here, pushing on these buttons.

OK, let me think about that for a minute.  A Smart Pen.  That could be something.  Maybe with built-in AI.  Nope, I see what you did there…  Right away your mind went to forgery.  A smart pen could be used by the crooks to sign someone else’s name, making it impossible to tell the real from the fake.  And a smart pen in the hands of a lawyer…  I don’t want to even think what could happen there.

 

Anything can Happen

 

Whenever it rains, small children get to ride the bus to school instead of walk, homeless people get wet, plants grow, the air becomes a little cleaner and windshield wipers scrape across the glass on slow, fast or intermittent speeds.

Whenever the sun shines, people ride their bicycles, playgrounds fill up with kids, the plants thrive, and car washes do a good business.

When the wind blows, sailing ships travel across the surface of the water, pollen fills the air causing people to sneeze, or the snow drifts, depending on the time of year.

Whenever none of the above takes place, mystery writers get to work, seeing evil around every corner, hearing oboes play ominous music in the background and the lights in the room flicker for no apparent reason.

 

Designed to Fester

 

Forever and ever

 

It’s a bowl of water.  We set it out each night and by morning it is empty.  Initially, the critters know it isn’t right.  It isn’t made out of tree or rock, it is stainless steel and they are unfamiliar with that, so consequently untrusting of it.

Over time, they have learned it poses no threat.  It isn’t alive, it doesn’t move or make noise, it just sits there.

So much time has now passed that they all know it will be here and be full of fresh water.  They have no trouble walking up to it and getting a drink.

Now, however, there’s been a shift.  What began as a kind gesture is now mandatory.  The racoons, the possums, the armadillos, the crows and squirrels are now depending on me to do my job and keep it full.

I’ve become the grandfather that keeps candy in his pockets for the grandkids.  As soon as they enter the house, they run for the old recliner, knowing that’s where they’ll find grampa’s pockets.

Mother Nature is no different.  Her critters are expecting tootsie rolls and gum drops and not disappointment.  They have done their job, they have left the security of the forest and come out into the open hoping for a fresh drink of water.

Yikes!  This job has no retirement.

Even the neighbor's cat has become a regular.

 

Maybe NOT this close

 

The thing about being aware of our own mortality sometimes causes us to take a closer look at the clock.

Completely Bonkers

 

I know I tend to question a great many things, but today I saw something that was so far off the charts I felt I had to show you.

I picked this book up, thinking I’d have something to read over the next few days.  Then I noticed that someone had stamped the edges, Previously Read.

I had to ask myself, why?  What is the point of this stamp.  Is it telling me not to bother with this one, it’s already too late.  Once a book’s been read, you might as well toss it out.  Sorry, but these words are already used up.

Can any of you explain this to me?

 

On Tuesday 5-27-2025

 

I mailed a letter to the University of Michigan.  In the letter I asked them to mail back anything that was in a U of M envelope.  I wanted to see something addressed to me from the university.  That would be as close as I’ll ever get to that school.

I never had the grades or dollars that would allow me to be a student there and yet I’ve always been a fan.  The high school I attended failed miserably at teaching me anything.  They excelled, however, at labeling me and writing me off as a lost cause.

The letter I sent U of M would have to be opened by just the right person, anyone else, and it will just go into the trash.

I will have weeks of commercial-free entertainment for the cost of one postage stamp.  With each passing day that a response doesn’t arrive, my anticipation will build.

The potential for them responding is real.  As they say, anything can happen.

Last year I sent out a few letters to strangers, just to see if any would respond.  No one did.  Now, however, that time has passed, one or two of them could be wondering what that letter was all about and what would have happened if they had responded, so in an odd way, I’m still getting enjoyment out of it.

In the event the university does send me something, I'll scan it if I can and post it here so you’ll know the outcome.

Tata for now

Z. Corwin

As of 6-17-2025 they have not responded.  Maybe I should have included a stamp with my request.  

Wash Responsibly

 

Excellent for cleaning

bumpy and pointy hats.

Don't Fence Me In

 

You only hear moos

but it’s not what it seems

We can be more than shoes

you know, we have dreams,

If you could just see

how each of us felt –

We'd be so much more

than purses and belts,

It's much greater things

to which we aspire

if we could get pass

this pesky barbed wire.

zc

 

As a Scoutmaster

 

    One of my duties is to tell ghost stories.  To aid in that process I purchased this shadow generator.  It was not at all expensive and came with an amazing array of spirits.

    They are available on Amazon and if you are a Prime member, there is no charge for shipping.

C25

 

The cars zipping along the desert highway were far and few between.  That wasn’t as much of a concern as my current footwear.   I should back up.  When I awoke this morning I was leaning against a large boulder here in the desert.  My wallet was missing as well as my shoes.  In place of my shoes, I was wearing fuzzy bunny slippers.   If I had to guess, it was the slippers that kept drivers from stopping to pick me up.  I had no idea who took my wallet or left me with the odd slippers.  By the way, in case you were wondering, no these slippers do not stop the intense heat from coming up though the bottoms.  My feet were burning up.  It didn’t seem to matter if I was standing on the pavement or directly on the sand.  Both were terrible.

While I kept attempting to hitchhike, I was trying to recall how I had gotten myself into this mess.  The last thing I remember, some lady wearing way too much make-up was buying me drinks at some country bar.  I can almost remember the name of the place.  The jukebox, I thought, was too loud and the lady kept playing the same song over and over. 

 

New Car Smell

 

You too can have that new car smell without spending thousands and thousands of dollars.

Are you still driving that old rust bucket and wish it didn’t smell like a sock drawer.  Then pick up a bottle of Spray-n-Drive.  A simple spray, just once a week will make that clunker smell like a new car.  Drive in style, impress your friends, it’s quick – it’s easy.

Perfect for those who have no scents at all.

 

 

My Comfort Zone

 

It’s grown smaller over the years.  I’m not even sure it can still be called a zone, it’s more of a small area.  I believe some of the reason for it shrinking in size is television.  After years of seeing cop shows, police chases and detectives trying to figure out who done it, I start to think all that chaos is taking place just outside.  Why would I subject myself to all that?

The only other option for entertainment comes from the drug companies.  Everyone you see is smiling and playing with other people who all have these moderate to severe diseases and are taking unpronounceable medication with side effects far worse than the original symptoms.

I believe it is television itself that requires medication.  A daily dose of  inspiration, followed by a rigorous routine of creativity will alleviate the Monkey-see Monkey-do programming.  Ask your technician before starting any such program. 

Remember, if you’ve forgotten what show you were watching because the string of commercials has gone on for so long you can’t remember, your television has already been infected.   Unplug it immediately.  Throw a blanket over it and call your sponsor, or talk to a friend, read a book while there’s still time.

When I was a Kid

 

I would trade this silver engraving for
a pack of gum.

I eventually spit the gum out.
I'm thinking that maybe that wasn't

as good a trade as I thought it was.

According to the Instructions

 

I shouldn't have
this many bits left over.

They're not always under the bed

 

Every now and then
they're up in the attic.

Speaker of the House

Chicago, Boston, The Who, Iron Butterfly, The Grateful Dead, Beatles, Stones, Dylan, Moody Blues, Blood Sweat & Tears, Three Dog Night, Crosby Stills & Nash, Santana, Foreigner, Fleetwood Mac, and Jefferson Airplane all traveled the same path.

 

The Lift

 

Every time this elevator is broken, and I have to climb these steps, my body reminds me of just how old I am.  I can’t believe the old woman in 11B has never taken the elevator.  Every week she is climbing these steps, carrying her two bags of groceries.   I’ve heard other people say that she doesn’t trust it.  She is afraid of getting trapped in there.  You’d think she would have gotten a ground floor apartment.

It does break down a lot.  Maybe I should start carrying a candy bar or bottle of water with me, maybe even a flashlight.  That’s crazy.  I’d end up with an entire backpack of stuff, just in case something were to happen to the elevator.  But then again… I’d be ready.  No, that’s silly.  I’ve got my cell phone.  I should try it the next time I’m in there, see if I can get a signal.  Who would I call?  The fire department, I guess.  I should put their number in my phone.

Three more flights to go and I’m there.  I should try my phone in this stairway.  I’d be surprised if I get a signal in here, surrounded by all this cement.  I’ll try it on this next landing.

Nope, no signal.  Well then it certainly isn’t going to work in the elevator.  It sounds like someone else is also climbing.  Maybe I’ll just stand here, catch my breath and let whoever it is pass me.  They sound just as winded as me.  I wonder if it is 11B.  I should have learned her name.  If it is her, I’ll at least help her with her groceries.  What’s her name?  Someone must have said it… I can’t remember.

“Hello.”

“You’re in the fire department?”

“Yes, we’re here working on the elevator.  Apparently, there is someone stuck.  They’ve been pushing the alarm and calling on the emergency phone.  By the sounds of it, they’re claustrophobic or something.  There in a real panic, and complaining about their ice cream melting.”

“That’d be 11B.  Wouldn’t you know, the one time she gets brave enough to take the elevator, it breaks down.”

“We’ll get her out.  Do you happen to know her name?”

“Sorry, I don’t.  But I will by the end of the day.  I’m going to learn everyone’s name who lives in this building.  That’s the first thing I’m putting in my backpack.”

 

 

 

 

 

Reviews

 

I control the sweetness of my coffee by controlling the amount of sugar I put in.  I can also adjust the color by the amount of cream I add.  Over time, I have come to know exactly how I like my coffee.  It comes out just right every time.

This is how I am able to adjust my attitude and general outlook.  I only read the good reviews, the sweet ones, with lots of stars.  Consequently, I go through life both happy and caffeinated.

 

 I recommend it highly.

Witchcraft

 

My friend is still typing.

 

He is across town, writing to me on his cell phone.  My phone is showing three little dots, moving up and down, with the word TYPING next to them.

 

So, if we are not currently communicating, how does my phone know what he is presently doing?

 

I'm thinking we should throw these phones in the water.  If they sink, they are witches.  If they float, like a duck, then they're OK.

 

The Gallery

 

I would not be a good one
to put in charge of the gallery.

I'd get the lighting all wrong.

It's how it should be

 

Long after degrees are hung upon the wall

the dishes are washed and put away

old friends have passed and new acquaintances

learn your name

A quiet understanding will wash over you

You will begin to notice the small bits and pieces

of life, that just like the stars, can only be seen

at certain times.

A great many years ago

A man gave me this little book.

Thinking it a fair exchange, I have
given him a lifetime of friendship.

 

and yes, there's always one.

 

He reminded me of a grasshopper, spitting tobacco, although his was actual tobacco.  It was a disgusting combination of saliva and chewing tobacco, spit into a paper coffee cup, about every fourth sentence.

This was supposed to be a management type, well educated and leading by example.  The entire time he held meetings he displayed this kind of behavior.  I often questioned why I was there.  Was this what I really wanted to do with my life, sit and listen to this moron?

My parents had always told me to respect my elders.  The military said to respect the chain of command.   My gut was telling me this guy had no clue what he was doing, and should I really be following his direction?  Turns out, upper management also saw what the rest of us were seeing and he was soon gone.

My overall experience with large companies showed me how much of a crapshoot everything was.  The people in charge shouldn’t have been, the decisions made were usually proven to be wrong ones and things had to be redone, and the blame always rolled downhill, no matter what.

If I told you the name of the companies, you’d never fly on a plane again.  It truly is scary out there.   Had they not been paying me to be there, I might have shown up anyway just to watch. (Not really)

I try to give people the benefit of the doubt, but mostly I’m just making excuses for them.  “Well, maybe he’s a little slow.  Maybe he never had the opportunities the rest of us did.  Then again, nobody could be that stupid.”

One time, I was working for a nice, little Mom and Pop company.  The owner’s best friend, who was also the V.P. of purchasing, would sell raw material out the back door, sticking the money in his pocket.  He would also threaten the vendors, telling them that if they didn’t buy him a new color television, they were not going to get the next contract.

But on the weekends, he would shovel the snow off of the owner’s sidewalk, and in the summer, he would chase the owner’s golf balls that had gone astray.  Of course, they thought he could do no wrong. What a guy.

I really disliked that person and I didn’t hide it.  Looking back over my life, I never did have a job where I saw the good side of anyone in a position of authority.   The power always seemed to go to their head.  They were mean and often went out of their way to blame someone else for their mistakes.

I can’t tell you how happy I am to be retired, to be out of the game.  It isn’t anything you can win.  Whenever somebody tells me what a great and wonderful job they once had, I simply smile, knowing they must have been that one employee that never got it.

Knowing

 

For the most part, we feel safe that suddenly gravity won’t shut off and everything on the planet will go floating up into space.  We feel sort of secure that the old men with their armies won’t blow us all up.  We like to think that the animal kingdom isn’t going to rise up against us.  I’m fairly certain the ants would win.

I feel good knowing that when I turn the handle on the faucet water will come out, and the switch on the wall will light up the room at night.  I like not having to constantly think about these things.

I tell myself that back in the kitchen of the restaurant someone is washing the lettuce, and everyone has washed their hands. I would prefer to not envision some giant asteroid, silently hurling through space at Earth, just as I believe that some day I’ll understand the reason for it all.

Making sense of everything, to me, seems like the final frontier.  I’m just saying…

1000 pieces

 

I don’t believe that each piece of the puzzle knows what it is or how it adds to the overall picture.  I’m sure each piece likes to think it is important, and that without it nothing would be right.

The kitten’s whisker is no more important than that low-hanging apple, and the arrow on the weathervane is just as important as the broken latch on the barn door.

It takes all of them working together to complete the picture.  Even the pointy corners out at the far edge work to hold it all together.

No one is insignificant.

 

Happy Sunday

The Lemon Law

 

Request for Legislation
5-24-2025

 

 Dear Senator McComber,

This is a request to extend the current lemon law to cover, not only poorly manufactured vehicles but to guard the general population from inherently stupid politicians and lame government programs.

I believe the citizens deserve to be protected from any and all law makers who are not governed by the same laws they pass.  Please direct particular attention to the IRS.  They have proven time and time again their incompetence.

Their automated phone system is a joke.  No matter what choice you select it sends you back to the beginning. Choose one for English, two for Gibberish and three Musketeers if you like nougat.  Why is nougat even a choice?  Nobody knows what that actually is.

Thanks, Senator

 

Your Old Pal

Z. Corwin

 

 

Truth Booths

 

At first glance it looked like an old photo booth but it wasn’t.  The government and the media had become so completely distorted that Megan Harper figured out a way to capitalize on it.  Because nothing that came out of government or the media could be believed, nobody trusted anything anymore.

Megan established the very first Truth Booth.  For just $5.00 you could ask anything you wanted and were guaranteed the answer you received was the absolute truth or triple your money back.

Megan’s sophisticated network of technology and AI systems was fool proof.  Each and every time it was put to the test, it passed and the more the people began to rely on it and trust it, the more popular it became.  With 114 booths across the country, Megan was becoming quite rich, even at just five dollars a pop.

Of course, she had a bank of lawyers on staff.  There wasn’t a politician who hadn’t sued her, and lost.  She didn’t even have to advertise.  The long line at her booths seemed endless.  Folks couldn’t wait to have their questions answered.  The only newspaper still running was The Wall Street Journal, and that had been boiled down to mostly advertising and crossword puzzles.   All the major television networks were now owned and operated by the big pharmaceuticals and 90% of their programing covered nothing but side effects.

Going down?

 

To a kid, maybe, but to a senior citizen in a panic, it’s not that much fun.

 

 

OK, now lift one foot.

 

At Wanda’s Roadside Tavern, everyone must pass a sobriety test at last call.  Those who fail are given a pillow and a blanket and are locked in the back room for the night.

 

 

It's an E

 

It’s one thing to get them to come into the office, but to get a possum to read an eye chart is something else altogether.  You tell them to cover one eye and read the top line and they just look at you like you’re crazy.

How things can just suddenly end

 

It might be fun to know where things travel throughout their lifetime.  We’d be surprised to see a map showing the path they have taken over the years and to hear the reasons why certain events happened that altered their route.

Most, I expect, end up in antique shops or in a box in someone’s garage.  Many, like this lock, are too big to settle in the back of some junk drawer.  This one here is unusual.  The key actually traveled along.  They stayed together throughout life.  Most do not.

Keys are very independent, many thinking they are better than the lock.  Without them, the lock would be nothing.  They are stylish, fancy.  Locks are chunky, cumbersome and often ugly.

Keys can travel in circles.  They associate and hang around with other keys.  The more complex the key, the higher on the food chain they believe they are.  They have been known to see the inside of pockets and beneath sofa cushions.  Some have even been found poking out of the sand at the beach.

The sad truth is many become lost.  It isn’t uncommon to see a large gathering of keys just hanging around.  Sure, some remain snooty, believing they’re special, when really, they haven’t any idea where their lock has gone.  Most become sad and suffer feelings of hopelessness, but there are support groups available.  The most famous being the Florida Keys.

Okay, see what I did there?  I grew tired of the topic and took an off ramp.  I didn't signal or anything.  Just ZIP and I'm off on some other page talking about the gravitational pull of baked potatoes. 

  

A Friend indeed

There’s an acorn falling from a tree

it hasn’t landed yet –

It didn’t fall down naturally

it simply lost a bet.

A furry squirrel who happened by

was in cahoots you know,

With a well-known shady gambler

who went by, Mr. Crow.

But acorn, he was clever

he wasn’t just some nut,

He bounced far off a lower branch

then rolled to his friend's hut.

What squirrel and crow had yet to learn

was that acorn was a thinker,

and his little friend, both black and white

was really quite a stinker.

 

 

A Hole Punch

 

A hole is nothing.  It is the absence of something.

There is nothing there.  It doesn’t exist.

So how can you punch something that doesn't exist?

If for the moment you think

I'm being silly, and that this thing

makes holes...

and holes are nothing...

Just how do you make nothing?